For many Filipinos, saying “no” or standing up for ourselves can feel incredibly difficult. It’s often tied to values like “hiya” (shame) and “pakikisama” (getting along), which, while important, can sometimes lead to us neglecting our own needs. This article explores how we can balance these cultural values with assertiveness and self-care, creating a healthier and more fulfilling life.
Understanding ‘Hiya’ and ‘Pakikisama’
Let’s be real, “hiya” is a big part of being Filipino. It’s that feeling of shame or embarrassment that can stop us from speaking up, asking for help, or disagreeing with others. “Pakikisama,” on the other hand, is about maintaining good relationships and going along with the group, even if it means sacrificing our own preferences. These values are deeply ingrained and are often taught from a young age. Think about it, how many times have you agreed to something you didn’t really want to do just to avoid hurting someone’s feelings or causing conflict?
While “hiya” and “pakikisama” can promote harmony and respect within communities, they can also have negative consequences. They can lead to us bottling up our emotions, feeling resentful, and neglecting our own well-being. A study on Filipino mental health underscores the significance of cultural context on mental health perceptions and help-seeking behaviors. When we constantly prioritize others’ needs over our own, we risk burnout and a decline in our mental and emotional health. For example, feeling pressured to attend every family gathering, even when we’re exhausted, or agreeing to take on extra work to be seen as cooperative, can contribute to stress and anxiety.
What Does Assertiveness Really Mean? It’s Not About Being Rude!
Assertiveness is often mistaken for aggression, but they’re actually very different. Being assertive simply means expressing your needs and opinions clearly, honestly, and respectfully. It’s about standing up for yourself without violating the rights of others. It’s about saying “no” when you need to, setting boundaries, and communicating your feelings in a healthy way. Think of it as finding a middle ground between being passive (avoiding conflict at all costs) and being aggressive (dominating or intimidating others). According to the American Psychological Association, assertiveness is a learned skill that can significantly improve communication and relationships.
For Filipinos, learning to be assertive can be challenging because it might feel like going against our cultural norms. We might worry about being perceived as rude or selfish. However, it’s important to remember that assertiveness is not about being disrespectful. It’s about communicating your needs in a way that is both honest and considerate. It’s crucial to frame assertiveness not as defiance, but as a form of self-respect and self-care. It is realizing that your needs are important too.
Practical Tips for Building Assertiveness Skills
So, how do we actually become more assertive? Here are some practical tips that can help you on your journey:
Start Small: Don’t try to change everything overnight. Begin with small, low-stakes situations where you feel comfortable practicing assertiveness. For example, if you’re at a restaurant and your order is wrong, politely ask the waiter to correct it.
Use “I” Statements: When expressing your feelings or needs, use “I” statements to avoid blaming or accusing others. For example, instead of saying “You always make me late,” try saying “I feel stressed when we’re late.”
Practice Saying “No”: Saying “no” can be incredibly difficult, but it’s a crucial skill for setting boundaries. Practice saying “no” in a polite but firm manner. You don’t have to give a long explanation; a simple “Thank you for the invitation, but I won’t be able to make it” is often sufficient.
Set Boundaries: Boundaries are limits that you set to protect your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Think about what your boundaries are in different areas of your life, such as work, relationships, and family. Communicate these boundaries clearly and consistently. For example, if you need time to yourself after work, let your family know that you need an hour to relax before you can engage in family activities. The Mental Health Foundation provides valuable resources on setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.
Be Mindful of Your Body Language: Your body language can communicate a lot about your confidence and assertiveness. Stand tall, make eye contact, and speak in a clear and confident voice.
Role-Play: Practice assertive communication with a trusted friend or family member. This can help you become more comfortable and confident in expressing yourself assertively.
Seek Support: If you’re struggling to develop assertiveness skills, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance and support as you work towards your goals.
Self-Care: It’s Not Selfish, It’s Essential!
Self-care is often misunderstood as being selfish or indulgent, but it’s actually a vital component of mental and emotional well-being. Self-care simply means taking actions to protect and improve your physical, mental, and emotional health. It’s about recognizing your own needs and taking steps to meet them. For Filipinos, prioritizing self-care can feel particularly challenging because we’re often taught to put others’ needs first. A study in the Philippine Journal of Psychology highlights the cultural tendency towards prioritizing collective well-being over individual needs. However, it’s important to remember that you can’t pour from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself allows you to be more present and effective in your relationships and responsibilities.
Self-care looks different for everyone. It could involve anything from getting enough sleep and eating healthy foods to engaging in hobbies you enjoy and spending time with loved ones. Here are some self-care ideas specifically tailored for Filipinos:
Mindfulness and Meditation: Practicing mindfulness and meditation can help you reduce stress and improve your overall well-being. There are many free apps and online resources that can guide you through meditation exercises. Even just a few minutes of mindful breathing each day can make a difference. For example, you can try focusing on your breath for five minutes each morning.
Connect with Nature: Spending time in nature has been shown to have numerous benefits for mental health. Visit a park, go for a hike, or simply sit outside and enjoy the sunshine. In the Philippines, we are blessed with beautiful beaches, mountains and forests that support rejuvenation and healing.
Get Moving: Exercise is a great way to relieve stress and improve your mood. Find an activity you enjoy, whether it’s dancing, swimming, or playing sports. Aim for at least 30 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise most days of the week. Walking around your neighborhood after dinner can also be a good starting point.
Spend Time with Loved Ones: Strong social connections are essential for mental health. Make time to connect with family and friends, whether it’s through phone calls, video chats, or in-person visits. Remember to foster quality interactions, not just merely being in the same space.
Enjoy Your Hobbies: Engaging in activities you enjoy can help you relax and recharge. Whether it’s painting, reading, cooking, or playing music, make time for your hobbies. Even 15-30 minutes dedicated to your hobbies can positively impact your mood.
Create a Relaxing Bedtime Routine: Getting enough sleep is crucial for mental health. Establish a relaxing bedtime routine to help you wind down before bed. This could include taking a warm bath, reading a book, or listening to calming music. Try to disconnect from screens at least an hour before bedtime for better sleep quality.
Practice Gratitude: Taking time to appreciate the good things in your life can improve your mood and increase your overall sense of well-being. Keep a gratitude journal and write down things you’re grateful for each day. Or simply take a moment to mental list down positive things that have happened to you.
Set Boundaries Around Technology: Constant exposure to technology can be overwhelming and contribute to stress. Set boundaries around your technology use, such as limiting your time on social media or turning off notifications after a certain time. Designate tech-free hours each day and stick to them.
Listen to Filipino Music from Your Childhood: Sometimes we can reconnect with our younger selves by listening to the tunes that evoke fond memories. Play those nostalgic songs which may evoke positive feelings as they often remind people of happier times, reduce stress, and improve mood.
Balancing Filipino Values with Assertiveness and Self-Care
The key to integrating assertiveness and self-care into your life as a Filipino is to find a balance that respects both your cultural values and your own needs. It’s not about abandoning “hiya” and “pakikisama” altogether, but rather about finding ways to express yourself and take care of yourself while still maintaining harmonious relationships. Here are some tips for achieving this balance:
Reframe Your Thinking: Instead of viewing assertiveness as being selfish, reframe it as being responsible for your own well-being. Remember that taking care of yourself allows you to be more effective in your relationships and responsibilities. When you feel good, you have more to give.
Communicate Your Intentions: When setting boundaries or expressing your needs, communicate your intentions clearly and respectfully. Explain that you’re not trying to be disrespectful, but that you need to prioritize your own well-being. Using phrases like “With all due respect…” or “I appreciate your invitation, and…” can help soften your message.
Find Creative Solutions: Look for creative solutions that allow you to meet your own needs while still honoring your cultural values. For example, if you’re feeling obligated to attend a family gathering but you’re exhausted, offer to contribute in a different way, such as bringing a dish or helping with the cleanup.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself as you navigate this journey. It’s okay to make mistakes and it’s okay to not be perfect. Forgive yourself for times when you struggle to be assertive or prioritize self-care.
Seek Role Models : Look for Filipino individuals who embody both strong cultural values and healthy self-care habits. Observing and learning from these role models can provide inspiration and guidance.
Consider Bayanihan Spirit as self-care: The spirit of Bayanihan is about community members coming together to support each other, it means reciprocation, not just one-way giving of your time, energy, or resources. For example, don’t hesistate to ask for help from your community if you need it. This embodies the spirit of interdependence, which means sometimes you’re helping others, and sometimes others are helping you.
Remember your “why”: Understanding your goals for becoming more assertive and regularly practicing self-care can increase your motivation to integrate these activities into your life as part of your Filipino values and daily interactions with people in your life.
Recognizing the Signs You Need Mental Health Support
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, we may need professional support to address our mental health needs. It’s important to recognize the signs that indicate when it’s time to seek help. According to the World Health Organization, some common signs of mental health problems include:
Persistent sadness or low mood
Excessive worry or anxiety
Changes in sleep or appetite
Difficulty concentrating
Loss of interest in activities you used to enjoy
Feeling overwhelmed or hopeless
Thoughts of suicide or self-harm
Difficulty managing emotions
Social withdrawal
If you’re experiencing any of these symptoms, it’s important to reach out for help. There are mental health professionals in the Philippines who can provide support and guidance. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. It shows that you’re committed to taking care of your well-being. You may start with your local baranggay health worker who can give you advice or may facilitate professional help if you need it.
Finding Mental Health Resources in the Philippines
Navigating the mental health system in the Philippines can be challenging, but there are resources available to help. Here are some options to consider:
Mental Health Professionals: Seek help from licensed psychologists, psychiatrists, or counselors. These professionals can provide therapy, counseling, and medication management. You can find a list of mental health professionals through referrals from your doctor, online directories, or mental health organizations.
Government Programs: The Philippine government has several programs aimed at improving mental health services. Check with your local Department of Health for more information. DOH Administrative Order No. 2020-0026 states that mental health services should be integrated in all general hospitals in the Philippines.
Non-Government Organizations (NGOs): There are several NGOs in the Philippines that provide mental health services, such as counseling, support groups, and educational programs. Some well-known NGOs include the Natasha Goulbourn Foundation and the Philippine Mental Health Association.
Support Groups: Joining a support group can provide a sense of community and connection. You can find support groups for various mental health conditions through online directories or mental health organizations.
Helplines: If you’re in crisis, you can call a mental health helpline for immediate assistance. Here are some helpful hotlines:
National Center for Mental Health: 0917-899-USAP (8727) or 1553
Hopeline Philippines: (02) 804-HOPE (4673); 0917-558-HOPE (4673); or 2919 (toll-free number for Globe and TM subscribers)
FAQ Section
Here are some frequently asked questions about assertiveness and self-care for Filipinos:
Is it selfish to prioritize my own needs?
No, it’s not selfish to prioritize your own needs. Taking care of yourself allows you to be more present and effective in your relationships and responsibilities. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Self-care is essential for maintaining your mental and emotional well-being.
How can I say “no” without feeling guilty?
Saying “no” can be difficult, but it’s a crucial skill for setting boundaries. Practice saying “no” in a polite but firm manner. You don’t have to give a long explanation; a simple “Thank you for the invitation, but I won’t be able to make it” is often sufficient. Remember that you have the right to say “no” to things that don’t align with your priorities or values.
What if my family doesn’t understand my need for boundaries?
It can be challenging to set boundaries with family members who may not understand your need for them. Communicate your intentions clearly and respectfully. Explain that you’re not trying to be disrespectful, but that you need to prioritize your own well-being. Be patient and consistent in enforcing your boundaries. It may take time for your family members to adjust.
Where can I find affordable mental health support?
There are several options for finding affordable mental health support in the Philippines. Check with your local Department of Health for information about government programs. You can also contact NGOs that provide mental health services at a reduced cost. Some universities offer counseling services to the public at a low rate. Also, it’s worth checking if your workplace offers employee assistance programs (EAPs) that may cover mental health services.
How can I incorporate self-care into my busy schedule?
Integrating self-care into a busy schedule requires intentionality and planning. Start by identifying small, manageable activities that you enjoy and that fit into your routine. Schedule these activities into your calendar and treat them as non-negotiable appointments. Even just 15-30 minutes a day dedicated to self-care can make a difference. Remember that self-care is not a luxury; it’s a necessity.
What if I’m afraid of being judged for seeking mental health help?
It’s understandable to be afraid of being judged for seeking mental health help, due to the stigma surrounding mental health in some communities. Remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. It shows that you’re committed to taking care of your well-being. Focus on your own needs and don’t let the opinions of others deter you from seeking the support you need. Surround yourself with supportive individuals who understand and value your well-being.
References
Here are the references for this article:
- American Psychological Association. Assertiveness: How to become more assertive.
- Mental Health Foundation. How to set healthy boundaries.
- Philippine Journal of Psychology. Cultural values and mental health in the Philippines.
- Department of Health (Philippines). Administrative Order No. 2020-0026: Guidelines on the Implementation of Mental Health Services Integration in General Hospitals.
- World Health Organization. Mental disorders.
It’s time to make a change. You deserve to live a life where you feel empowered, respected, and fulfilled. Start practicing assertiveness and self-care today, even in small ways. Reclaim your voice, set your boundaries, and nurture your well-being. Don’t let “hiya” and “pakikisama” hold you back from prioritizing your mental and emotional health. Take the first step towards a healthier and happier you. Take a moment now to identify one small act of self-care you can do for yourself today. It’s time to put you first.
