Losing someone we love is never easy, and in the Philippines, grief is often experienced and expressed in unique ways, deeply influenced by our culture, traditions, and beliefs. This article aims to help you understand the Filipino experience of grief and loss, offering culturally sensitive ways to cope and heal during these difficult times.
Understanding Grief in the Filipino Context
Grief isn’t just one feeling; it’s a mix of emotions that can change over time. It’s important to remember that everyone grieves differently, and there’s no right or wrong way to feel. However, the Filipino culture significantly shapes how grief is expressed and managed.
One of the strongest influences is the concept of pakikipagkapwa-tao, which means “shared humanity.” This value emphasizes empathy, compassion, and maintaining harmonious relationships. When someone dies, the community often comes together to support the bereaved family, sharing the burden of grief and offering practical assistance.
Another crucial aspect is the role of religion. The Philippines is a predominantly Christian country, and faith often provides comfort and meaning during times of loss. Prayers, masses, and novenas are common practices, offering solace and a sense of connection to a higher power. Many Filipinos find strength in their belief that their loved ones are now in a better place.
Family plays a vital role. In Filipino culture, family ties are incredibly strong. The extended family often gathers to provide emotional support, share memories, and help with funeral arrangements. This sense of togetherness can be a powerful source of comfort during a painful period.
Common Filipino Practices During Bereavement
The Filipino culture has many unique practices surrounding death and mourning. These traditions, while sometimes seen as outdated by some, provide structure and a sense of continuity during a time of great upheaval.
The Wake (Paglalamay): This is a significant event where family and friends gather at the home of the deceased for several days leading up to the funeral. People offer condolences, share stories about the deceased, and provide financial or practical assistance to the family. The paglalamay can be a source of great comfort, but also a time of immense emotional and physical exhaustion for the family.
During the wake, it’s customary to have a vigil where people take turns watching over the deceased. This is believed to protect the body from evil spirits. There is usually food, drinks, and sometimes even gambling activities to keep people awake and alert throughout the night.
Funeral Mass and Interment: A funeral mass is typically held before the burial, often followed by the interment at a cemetery. After the funeral, it’s common for the family to hold a reception where guests are served food and drinks. This is a way of thanking those who have come to pay their respects and to continue sharing memories of the deceased.
The Pasiyam (Ninth Day After Death): This is a special observance held nine days after the death of a loved one. It’s believed that the soul of the deceased is still lingering on Earth during this time, and the pasiyam is a way of helping the soul transition to the afterlife. Prayers and a meal are often offered. Some Filipinos believe that after the ninth day, the deceased’s spirit leaves the earthly realm, while others may believe it’s the 40th day that actually signifies separation.
The 40th Day: Forty days after the death, another remembrance is held. Many believe that this marks the final departure of the soul from the earthly realm and its entrance into heaven. Another mass and gathering are typically organized, and again, prayers and comfort are the central focus.
One-Year Anniversary (Bati): This marks a full year since the passing of the loved one. A special mass and get-together is arranged by the family to celebrate and honor the life of the deceased. It is a time of both remembrance and celebration to show the continuous love even after one year after death.
Challenges to Filipino Grief in Modern Times
While traditional practices can be comforting, modern life presents new challenges for Filipinos experiencing grief. These challenges can complicate the grieving process and make it harder to heal.
Overseas Filipino Workers (OFWs): With many Filipinos working abroad, families are often separated by distance. This can make it difficult for OFWs to attend funerals, participate in traditional mourning rituals, and provide immediate support to their families. The guilt and feeling of helplessness can intensify their grief. According to the Philippine Statistics Authority (PSA), millions of Filipinos work overseas, highlighting the scale of this issue. This distance can create a complicated form of grief.
Changing Family Structures: Traditional Filipino families are often large and close-knit. However, with urbanization and changing social norms, family structures are becoming more fragmented. This can leave individuals feeling isolated and unsupported during times of grief, losing some of the traditional support structures. They may feel like they’re grieving alone.
Stigma Surrounding Mental Health: In the Philippines, there’s still a significant stigma surrounding mental health issues. This can prevent people from seeking professional help when they are struggling with grief. Many Filipinos may be reluctant to talk about their feelings or admit that they are struggling emotionally, fearing judgment or shame. This is especially true in rural areas where traditional beliefs still hold strong. According to a study by the World Health Organization (WHO) on mental health in the Philippines, cultural stigma remains a significant barrier to accessing mental health services. You may be having a lot of emotional difficulties brought by the loss of a death of a loved one, however you may be thinking that you should not share this to anyone because people might judge you for it.
Economic Hardships: Funerals and mourning rituals can be expensive, and the costs can be a significant burden on already struggling families. This financial stress can add to the emotional toll of grief, creating a cycle of hardship and despair. You may be having a hard time to grieve appropriately—because you’re so focused on the financial difficulties brought by paying the funeral, burial, and the after-funeral arrangements. It is a dilemma that you should only focus on bereavement, but you cannot focus on the financial matters instead.
Culturally Sensitive Ways to Cope with Grief
Recognizing the unique challenges and strengths of the Filipino culture is essential for developing culturally sensitive ways to cope with grief. Here are some practical strategies that can help:
Embrace Traditional Practices (with Modifications): Participate in traditional mourning rituals like the paglalamay, funeral mass, and pasiyam. These rituals can provide comfort, structure, and a sense of connection to your community. However, be mindful of your own needs and limitations. If the paglalamay is too exhausting, take breaks or limit your participation. You will still have enough support from the people.
Seek Support from Family and Friends: Lean on your family and friends for emotional support. Talk about your feelings, share memories of the deceased, and allow yourself to be comforted. Don’t be afraid to ask for help with practical tasks like cooking, cleaning, or running errands. You don’t have to be alone. Always remember that your family and friends are ready to lend an ear and shoulder for you to cry on.
Find Meaning and Purpose: Explore ways to find meaning and purpose in your life after the loss. This might involve volunteering, pursuing a hobby, or spending time with loved ones. Finding a new sense of purpose can help you move forward and honor the memory of the deceased. Take your time to find one, don’t rush yourself. The most important thing is you grieve normally.
Practice Self-Care: Take care of your physical and emotional well-being. Get enough sleep, eat healthy foods, exercise regularly, and practice relaxation techniques like meditation or deep breathing. Self-care is essential for managing stress and promoting healing. It means that you allow yourself to rest and get enough sleep. You also remember to eat delicious but healthy food that you like. You are also allowed to spend time doing the hobbies that you like. All of these help in the healing process.
Seek Professional Help: If you are struggling to cope with grief, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. A therapist or counselor can provide support, guidance, and coping strategies to help you navigate the grieving process. Look for a therapist who is culturally sensitive and understands the unique challenges of Filipino grief. Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. If you feel you are not coping well, do not hesitate to approach a professional who can help you. The most important thing is you get the appropriate assistance as soon as you deem it necessary.
Utilize Faith and Spirituality: If you are religious, find comfort in your faith. Attend church services, pray, and connect with your religious community. Remember that faith can be a powerful source of strength and comfort during times of loss. This can be your bedrock in dealing with the difficulties brought by bereavement. Many Filipinos have found solace in their religion, remembering the important lessons and teachings that they have learned in their faith.
Specific Tips for OFWs Grieving from Afar
For Overseas Filipino Workers, the distance can make the grieving process even more challenging. Here are some specific tips to help:
Connect Virtually: Utilize technology to connect with family and friends back home. Participate in virtual paglalamay sessions, attend online masses, and communicate regularly with your loved ones through video calls or messaging. Staying connected can help you feel less isolated. This means that you can still show your support through a distance. If you cannot physically be present to console and comfort, you can always use the technology to still establish the human connection
Honor the Deceased in Your Own Way: Find ways to honor the memory of the deceased even from afar. This might involve lighting a candle, looking at photos, or sharing stories with friends. Creating your own personal rituals can help you feel connected to the deceased and to your culture. You are still honoring the soul even though you are far away.
Seek Support Online: Join online support groups or forums for grieving OFWs. Connecting with others who understand your unique challenges can provide a sense of community and validation. These means that there are still people who can help you process the loss. You can always try to look for people who have been through similar circumstances and stories that you also had. These things validate that you are not alone, and help you to be more courageous and braver in dealing with the difficulties of death and bereavement.
Consider Professional Counseling (Online): Many therapists and counselors offer online sessions. This can be a convenient and accessible way for OFWs to access professional support from anywhere in the world. This is especially helpful if you feel that you need help. You want a professional to guide you. You want someone who is objective to look at your story. It is really okay to get assistance from professional counselors.
Supporting Someone Who is Grieving
If you know someone who is grieving, there are many ways you can offer support.
Be Present and Listen: The most important thing you can do is simply be present and listen. Allow the person to talk about their feelings without judgment or interruption. Avoid offering unsolicited advice or trying to fix their problems. Just be there to listen and offer a comforting presence. This means that you’re a safe space where they can vent their pain. It is important that you validate what they’re feeling.
Offer Practical Assistance: Offer to help with practical tasks like cooking, cleaning, or running errands. This can relieve some of the burden on the grieving person and allow them to focus on healing. You can also offer to drive them to appointments, help with funeral arrangements, or provide childcare. These are just basic necessities that they might not want to think of as they deal with their grief. If you can assist them, then offering them help would be a great contribution to their well-being.
Respect Their Grief Process: Everyone grieves differently, and there is no set timeline for healing. Respect the person’s grief process and avoid pressuring them to move on too quickly. Allow them to feel their emotions without judgment, and be patient and supportive as they navigate their grief. It’s important to remember that they are the director of their own grief. Respect the way they feel, and assist them in the process.
Be Mindful of Cultural Traditions: Be aware of Filipino cultural traditions surrounding death and mourning. Respect these traditions and offer support in ways that are culturally sensitive. For example, you might offer to attend the paglalamay or pasiyam, or bring food to the family. You can even assist them in the arrangements of the masses and other religious gatherings.
Remember Special Dates: Remember important dates like birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. These can be particularly difficult times for grieving people. Reach out to them on these days to let them know you are thinking of them. You can even offer to spend time with them or bring them a small gift or token of remembrance to remind the soul of the deceased.
FAQ: Common Questions About Grief in the Philippines
What is the traditional Filipino mourning period?
Traditionally, the intense mourning period often lasts for 40 days after the death. However, the grieving process can continue for much longer, sometimes years. Filipinos also observe the pasiyam, 40th day, and one-year death anniversary with prayers and gatherings.
Is it appropriate to offer advice to someone who is grieving?
It’s generally best to avoid offering unsolicited advice. Instead, focus on listening and offering support. Every person grieves differently, and well-meaning advice can sometimes be hurtful or dismissive of their feelings.
How can I help a grieving family with funeral costs?
Offering financial assistance is a common way to support a grieving family. You can contribute directly to the funeral expenses, offer to help with catering, or provide other practical assistance. Just remember to be respectful and considerate of their needs.
What if someone seems stuck in their grief after a long time?
If someone is experiencing prolonged or complicated grief, encourage them to seek professional help. A therapist or counselor can provide support and guidance to help them process their grief and move forward.
Is it acceptable to laugh or celebrate during the wake (paglalamay)?
While wakes are generally solemn occasions, it’s not uncommon for people to share stories and memories of the deceased, which can sometimes lead to laughter. This is seen as a way of celebrating the person’s life and finding comfort in shared memories. The intent is to have as much fond memories about the deceased’s life.
References
- Philippine Statistics Authority. (2022). Overseas Filipino Workers.
- World Health Organization. (2020). Mental Health in the Philippines.
Healing from grief is a journey, not a destination. Be patient with yourself, allow yourself to feel your emotions, and seek support from your family, friends, and community. The Filipino culture provides a wealth of traditions and practices that can help you cope with loss, and remember that you are not alone. If you’re finding it hard to cope, remember there’s always help available. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional for support. Take that first step today – your healing journey matters. Start by talking to someone you trust, exploring online resources, or scheduling a consultation with a therapist. Embrace the support around you, and begin to heal with strength and resilience.
