Being an Overseas Filipino Worker (OFW) is tough, especially when it comes to raising kids from afar. One of the biggest worries for many OFWs is accidentally raising a “spoiled kid” because they feel guilty about being away, leading to over-indulgence. This article offers practical tips and advice on how OFWs can nurture responsible, grounded children despite the distance.
Understanding the Challenges: Why Spoiling Happens
Let’s be honest, it’s hard to say no when you’re only seeing your kids a few times a year, or even less. You want to make up for lost time, shower them with gifts, and fulfill their every wish. The guilt of missing birthdays, school plays, and everyday moments can be overwhelming, and buying things for them seems like a way to ease that guilt. But this often creates a situation where children begin to associate your presence and love with material possessions. They might start to believe that getting everything they want is their right, rather than a privilege. This can also lead to a lack of appreciation for what they have and a constant desire for more.
Moreover, sometimes the family members left at home – grandparents, aunts, or uncles – find it hard to discipline the children, especially when they know the parent is working hard abroad. They might give in to the child’s demands to avoid conflict or because they feel sorry for them. This lack of consistency in discipline can further contribute to the problem. Another complicating factor is the change in financial status. OFWs often earn significantly more than they would at home, and this influx of money can alter the family’s spending habits. Kids might witness a shift in the family’s lifestyle, leading them to expect constant upgrades and expensive items.
Guilt and Compensation
Many OFWs fall into the trap of overcompensating for their absence. They feel compelled to buy expensive gifts or constantly send money home, hoping to fill the void created by their physical absence. This behaviour, although driven by love, can inadvertently teach children that material possessions are a substitute for emotional connection and parental presence. It’s important to acknowledge that while gifts and financial support are important, they shouldn’t be the primary way to show love and affection. Children need your emotional support, guidance, and presence – even if that presence is virtual.
The Role of Relatives
Often, OFWs rely on relatives to care for their children while they’re away. While this is a common and often necessary arrangement, it can present challenges in maintaining consistency in discipline and values. Relatives might have different parenting styles, leading to confusion and mixed messages for the children. Sometimes, they might be more lenient or indulgent, making it harder for the children to understand the importance of responsibility and hard work. Open communication and clear expectations with the caregivers are crucial to prevent inconsistencies and ensure that your values and parenting philosophies are being upheld even in your absence.
Setting Clear Expectations and Boundaries
Establishing clear expectations and boundaries is incredibly important for raising responsible children, especially when you’re an OFW. Even though you’re far away, you can still guide your children by making sure they understand what’s expected of them. This means setting rules about their studies, chores, behaviour, and how they spend money.
Defining Responsibilities
Start by defining specific responsibilities for your children. This could include household chores like cleaning their room, helping with meal preparation, or taking care of pets. Age-appropriate chores teach children responsibility, build their self-esteem, and help them understand the value of contributing to the family. Even young children can participate by setting the table or putting away toys. Make sure to clearly explain why these responsibilities are important and how they contribute to the smooth running of the household. For older children, you can assign more complex tasks like managing the family budget for groceries or paying bills (under supervision, of course!).
Setting Monetary Limits
Teach your children about the value of money by setting clear limits on their spending. Don’t just give them unlimited access to your earnings. Instead, consider giving them a weekly or monthly allowance that they can use for their personal expenses. This will help them learn how to budget, prioritize their needs and wants, and make informed financial decisions. You can also encourage them to save a portion of their allowance for a specific goal, like buying a new gadget or going on a school trip. Discuss their purchases with them and help them understand the difference between needs and wants. Many resources, like this article from Consumer.gov, provide useful tips to teach children about money.
Consequences for Not Meeting Expectations
It’s essential to establish clear consequences for not meeting expectations. This could include limiting screen time, reducing their allowance, or taking away privileges. The consequences should be fair, consistent, and directly related to the infraction. It’s also important to explain the reason behind the consequences so that your children understand why they are being punished. Remember, discipline should be about teaching and guiding, not just about punishing. Focus on helping your children learn from their mistakes and make better choices in the future. Talking through the root cause of the issue and finding solutions together is far more effective than simply issuing punishment.
Open Communication: Staying Connected Despite the Distance
Staying connected with your children is vital when you’re working abroad. Open communication helps you maintain a strong bond, understand their challenges, and provide emotional support. Fortunately, with modern technology, staying connected is easier than ever before.
Regular Video Calls
Schedule regular video calls with your children. Make it a priority, even if you’re busy. Video calls allow you to see their faces, hear their voices, and share in their experiences. It’s not the same as being physically present, but it’s the next best thing. During video calls, ask about their day, their friends, their studies, and their hobbies. Listen attentively and show genuine interest in what they have to say. Don’t just talk about yourself; make it a two-way conversation.
Active Listening
Active listening is a crucial skill for effective communication. It means paying attention to what your children are saying, both verbally and nonverbally. It also means trying to understand their perspective and empathize with their feelings. When you’re listening actively, you’re not just hearing the words; you’re trying to understand the emotions behind them. This can help you identify potential problems or concerns that your children might be hesitant to express directly. Ask clarifying questions and summarize what they’ve said to ensure that you understand them correctly. For instance, if they say, “I’m having trouble with math,” you could ask, “What specifically are you finding difficult? Is it a particular concept or the homework itself?”
Creating Shared Experiences
Even though you’re physically apart, you can still create shared experiences with your children. This could include watching movies together remotely, playing online games, or reading the same book and discussing it during video calls. You can also plan virtual outings, like taking a virtual tour of a museum or visiting a zoo online. These shared experiences can help you bond with your children and create lasting memories.
Instilling Values: Teaching Beyond Materialism
Raising responsible children involves instilling strong values that go beyond material possessions. Teach your children about the importance of hard work, empathy, gratitude, and generosity. These values will help them become well-rounded individuals who are not only successful but also compassionate and socially responsible.
The Value of Hard Work
Teach your children the value of hard work by setting a positive example. Let them see you working diligently to provide for the family. Share your own experiences of overcoming challenges and achieving your goals. Explain that success requires effort, perseverance, and a willingness to learn from mistakes. Encourage them to take pride in their own accomplishments, whether it’s getting a good grade on a test or mastering a new skill. You can also involve them in age-appropriate activities that require effort and dedication, like learning a musical instrument or participating in a sports team.
Cultivating Empathy and Compassion
Help your children develop empathy and compassion by encouraging them to think about the needs and feelings of others. Talk to them about social issues and inequalities and discuss how they can make a positive difference in the world. Encourage them to volunteer their time or donate to charitable causes. You can also teach them empathy by modeling compassionate behaviour in your own interactions with others. Show them that it’s important to treat everyone with respect and kindness, regardless of their background or circumstances.
Practicing Gratitude
Encourage your children to practice gratitude by expressing appreciation for the good things in their lives. You can start by having them write a gratitude journal each day, listing things they are thankful for. This could include simple things like a sunny day, a delicious meal, or a kind word from a friend. You can also model gratitude by expressing appreciation for your children and the things they do for you. A simple “thank you” can go a long way in teaching them the importance of gratitude. Make it a habit to talk about the blessings in your life and to appreciate the people who support you.
Promoting Generosity
Teach your children the importance of generosity by encouraging them to share their time, talents, and resources with others. You can encourage them to donate old toys and clothes to charity or volunteer at a local soup kitchen. You can also teach them to be generous with their time and talents by helping classmates with their studies or offering to babysit for a neighbour. Explain that giving to others is not just about donating money or material possessions; it’s also about sharing your time, your skills, and your compassion. This reinforces the importance of having a generous heart and willingness to give back to the community.
Empowering the Guardian: Supporting the Caregiver at Home
The person taking care of your children at home plays a crucial role in their upbringing while you’re away. Supporting them is essential for ensuring that your children receive consistent care, guidance, and discipline. Here’s how you can empower the guardian.
Open Communication and Collaboration
Maintain open communication with the caregiver. Regularly check in with them to discuss your children’s progress, challenges, and any concerns they might have. Encourage them to share their insights and suggestions. Treat them as a partner in raising your children, not just as an employee. Collaboration ensures that you’re both on the same page and working towards the same goals.
Providing Emotional Support
Recognize that caring for children is a demanding and emotionally taxing job. Offer the caregiver emotional support and encouragement. Acknowledge their efforts and express your appreciation for their hard work. This could simply mean actively listening to their concerns, offering words of encouragement, or recognizing their positive contributions to the kid’s upbringing with small gestures.
Financial Compensation and Benefits
Ensure that the caregiver is adequately compensated for their services. Offer them a fair wage, benefits, and paid time off. This shows that you value their contribution and motivates them to provide the best possible care for your children. The Philippine government, through the Department of Labor and Employment (DOLE), issues guidelines on wages and benefits for domestic workers; reviewing these guidelines ensures fair treatment.
Providing Clear Guidelines and Boundaries
Provide the caregiver with clear guidelines and boundaries for disciplining your children. Explain your parenting philosophies and expectations. Make sure they understand which behaviours are unacceptable and what consequences should be applied. This helps maintain consistency in discipline and prevents confusion for the children. Ensure your children are also aware that they too need to respect the guardian.
FAQ Section
Let’s address some common questions and concerns OFWs have about raising children from afar:
How can I prevent my child from feeling resentful towards me for being away?
Acknowledge their feelings. Don’t dismiss their sadness or anger. Validate their emotions by saying things like, “I understand it’s hard when I’m not there,” or “I know you miss me, and I miss you too.” Focus on the quality of your interactions, not just the quantity. Make the time you spend together meaningful and memorable. Remember to be fully present during video calls. Share details of your life abroad, but avoid bragging about experiences they can’t participate in. Focus on the purpose of your work and how it benefits the entire family in the long run.
My child only communicates with me when they want something. How do I change this?
Set boundaries. Make it clear that you’re not just an ATM. When they ask for something, don’t immediately say yes. Ask them about their day, their feelings, and what’s happening in their life. Make the conversation about more than just money or gifts. Create opportunities for non-material connection, like reading a book together remotely or playing an online game. Make it clear that your love and attention are not conditional on them asking for something.
How do I deal with relatives who undermine my parenting decisions?
Have an open and honest conversation with your relatives. Explain your parenting philosophies and why certain rules and boundaries are important to you. Listen to their concerns and try to find common ground. If you disagree on certain issues, try to compromise or find a solution that works for everyone. Remember, you are the parent, and ultimately, your decisions should be respected. It may require having difficult conversations, but the outcome will create consistency for the children.
What if my child starts comparing themselves to others who have more material possessions?
Teach them about gratitude and contentment. Help them appreciate what they have, rather than focusing on what they lack. Talk to them about the dangers of materialism and the importance of values that go beyond material possessions. Share stories of people who are happy and fulfilled despite not having a lot of money. It’s also helpful to monitor their exposure to social media, which can often fuel feelings of envy and comparison.
How can I ensure that my child prioritizes their studies when I’m not there to supervise?
Establish clear expectations and consequences. Make sure your child understands that their education is a priority. Set specific goals for their grades and attendance. Create a study schedule and stick to it. Regularly check in with their teachers to monitor their progress. If they’re struggling, provide them with extra support, such as tutoring or online resources. Reward their efforts and achievements, but don’t just focus on the outcome. Praise their hard work, dedication, and improvement.
References
- Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (CFPB).
- Department of Labor and Employment (DOLE), Philippines.
It’s tough being an OFW and raising kids from afar, but it’s definitely possible to raise responsible, grounded children. It all comes down to conscious effort. Prioritize connection over compensation, create clear boundaries and expectation, and choose values that will carry them to successful adulthood. Don’t become discouraged when it is challenging; rather, think of this as your new normal—a process that requires learning.
The goal isn’t just to financially support your children, it is also making successful future adults. So, take the time to implement these tips, nurture those connections, and invest in the values you want to see in your children. Start that video call now. They are waiting for you!
