Being an Overseas Filipino Worker (OFW) is tough, especially when it comes to raising your kids from afar. How do you make sure they’re learning good values and behaving well when you’re not physically there? This article explores how OFW parents can effectively discipline their children, even when separated by thousands of miles.
Staying Connected: The Heart of Distant Discipline
Let’s face it: discipline isn’t just about punishment. It’s about teaching, guiding, and building character. When you’re far away, staying connected becomes even more crucial. This isn’t just about calling once a week; it’s about building a relationship where your child feels comfortable talking to you about anything. Think of it like this: if your child sees you as a friend and confidante, they’re more likely to listen to your advice and guidance.
How do you cultivate this connection? Start by making your calls more meaningful. Instead of just asking “How was your day?”, try asking specific questions like, “What was the most interesting thing you learned today?” or “Did anything funny happen at school?”. Engage with their interests. If they’re into gaming, maybe ask about the latest game they’re playing. Showing genuine interest goes a long way. Consider setting up a regular video call schedule, even if it’s just for 15 minutes each day. Let them see your face, hear your voice, and feel your presence. Remember, consistency is key.
The Power of Clear Expectations and Rules
Before you left, and even now from afar, it’s really important that your children clearly understand what is expected of them. Sit down (or video call!) with your spouse, or whoever is currently taking care of your children, and create a set of household rules. These rules should be age-appropriate and easy to understand. For example, “Complete homework before playing games” or “Respect your elders”. Don’t make the list too long; focus on the most important behaviors. Write these rules down and post them in a visible place, like on the refrigerator. Regularly review the rules with your children, either in person during visits or via video calls. This reinforces the importance of these expectations.
Consequences for breaking the rules are just as vital as the rules themselves. These consequences should be clearly defined beforehand. For instance, if the rule is “Complete homework before playing games,” the consequence might be “No games for the rest of the day.” Make sure your caregiver enforces these consequences consistently. Inconsistent enforcement will confuse your children and undermine your authority. The consequences don’t always need to be negative. Positive reinforcement is even more effective. Reward good behavior with praise, extra privileges, or small gifts. For instance, if your child consistently gets good grades, you could promise them a special treat during your next visit.
Working With the Guardian: The Tag Team Approach
You’re not alone in raising your children. You have a partner on the ground: your spouse, a relative, or a caregiver. Open and honest communication with this person is absolutely essential. Schedule regular check-ins (daily is ideal) to discuss your children’s behavior, academic progress, and emotional well-being. Share your concerns and listen to their observations. Remember, they’re seeing things you can’t.
It’s also crucial to present a united front. Agree on disciplinary strategies and ensure that you and the caregiver are on the same page. Nothing is more confusing for a child than when Mom says one thing and Grandma says another. Any disagreements about parenting styles should be discussed privately, away from the children. Even something as simple as coordinating your phone calls is important. If you know your child will be busy with schoolwork, avoid calling during that time. Focus on being a team, working towards the common goal of raising happy, well-adjusted children. Talk about roles. Who handles homework? Who takes them to activities? Who deals with discipline issues?
Leveraging Technology: Your Digital Toolkit
Thankfully, we live in an age where technology makes it easier to stay connected. Video calls are a lifesaver. Use platforms like Skype, Zoom, or Messenger to have face-to-face conversations with your children. Seeing your face can make a big difference in their willingness to listen and cooperate. Utilize messaging apps like WhatsApp or Viber to send encouraging messages, share photos, and stay updated on their daily activities. Even a simple “Good luck on your test!” can have a positive impact.
Consider using parental control apps to monitor your children’s online activity. These apps can help you track their screen time, block inappropriate websites, and ensure they’re using the internet safely. These tools can be particularly important given that children left alone may be more prone to risky online behaviors. Discuss internet safety with your children and establish clear guidelines about what they can and cannot do online. According to studies, open communication about online safety is more effective than simply restricting access. Remember, it’s about building trust and teaching them responsible online behavior.
Addressing Specific Challenges: Tough Situations and How to Handle Them
Every child is different, and parenting from a distance can amplify certain challenges. Let’s consider some of these scenarios:
Dealing with Sibling Rivalry: Sibling rivalry is common, but it can be exacerbated when one or both parents are away. Try to set aside individual time to talk to each child. Listen to their concerns and help them understand each other’s perspectives. Emphasize the importance of family unity and encourage them to support each other. You could even create family activities that promote cooperation, like working together on a puzzle or playing a board game during a video call.
Addressing Academic Struggles: If your child is struggling in school, work closely with their teachers and tutors. Schedule regular meetings (via video call if necessary) to discuss their progress and identify areas where they need extra help. Encourage your child to seek help when they need it and offer your support. Perhaps you can review their homework with them online or find online resources that can supplement their learning.
Managing Emotional Difficulties: Children may experience feelings of sadness, loneliness, or resentment due to your absence. Acknowledge their feelings and let them know that it’s okay to feel that way. Reassure them that you love them and that you’re working hard to provide for their future. If you suspect that your child is struggling with serious emotional issues, such as depression or anxiety, seek professional help from a therapist who is experienced in working with children of OFWs. There are lots of counselors who can conduct sessions via video conference.
Combating Bad Influence from Peers: Peer pressure is a powerful force, especially during adolescence. Talk to your child openly about the importance of making good choices and surrounding themselves with positive influences. Help them develop the confidence to say no to peer pressure and encourage them to pursue activities that align with their values. If you’re concerned about specific friendships, discuss your concerns with your child and their caregiver. You could even invite your child’s friends over to your caregiver’s house so you can get to know them better (via video call if possible).
Building a Strong Support System: You’re Not Alone
Parenting is hard enough, but parenting from a distance is even harder. It’s essential to build a strong support system for both yourself and your children. Connect with other OFW parents who understand the challenges you’re facing. Share your experiences, offer support, and learn from each other. There are many online communities and support groups specifically for OFW parents.
Encourage your children to connect with their extended family and friends. These relationships can provide them with a sense of belonging and support. Make sure your children have positive role models in their lives, such as aunts, uncles, grandparents, or older cousins. These individuals can provide guidance, support, and encouragement when you’re not around.
The Importance of Self-Care: Taking Care of Yourself So You Can Care for Your Children
Don’t forget about yourself! Being an OFW can be incredibly stressful. It’s essential to prioritize your own well-being so you can be the best parent you can be, even from afar. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep, eating healthy, and exercising regularly. Find healthy ways to manage stress, such as meditation, yoga, or spending time with friends. Pursue hobbies and activities that you enjoy and that help you relax. It’s also important to maintain connections with your friends and family back home. Schedule regular calls or video chats with them to stay connected and feel supported. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
When You Come Home: Reintegration and Re-Establishing Authority
Your visits home are incredibly precious. Make the most of them by focusing on reconnecting with your children. Spend quality time together, listening to their stories, and participating in their interests. This is not the time to be overly critical or authoritarian. Focus on rebuilding your relationship and showing them how much you care.
Re-establish your role as a parent gradually and respectfully. Don’t try to take over completely or undo the routines that have been established in your absence. Work with your caregiver to create a smooth transition and ensure that everyone is on the same page. Be patient and understanding. It may take time for your children to adjust to your presence and re-establish the family dynamic.
Long-Term Strategies: Planning for the Future
Parenting from a distance is not a permanent solution. Start planning for the future and consider when you might be able to return home permanently. This could involve saving money, acquiring new skills, or exploring job opportunities back home. Discuss your plans with your family and involve them in the decision-making process. Having a clear plan for the future can provide hope and motivation for both you and your children. This shared vision gives everyone something to look forward to.
Remember Core Values
Family values are just beliefs and ideas, usually taught by parents to children. They give a family its image. Values are abstract concepts, but they guide choices that the family makes and therefore give direction to their lives. Some values include: Strong faith and religious observance, Respect, Hard work, Education, Compassion, Helping others, Honesty, and Courage.
Never forget the Filipino culture
Filipino culture encompasses a multitude of values rooted in traditions and customs. Loyalty to your family is ingrained into our culture. “Bayanihan”, or a “community spirit” is another part of the culture that is seen frequently in the Philippines. We as Filipinos are all about working together for a common cause. Also, we love to make special occasions extra special. So birthdays, graduations, and even normal milestones can become really big events.
FAQ Section
Q: How can I handle it when my child says they “hate” me for being away?
A: It’s tough to hear your child say they hate you, but try to remember that it’s likely a manifestation of their sadness and frustration. Acknowledge their feelings and validate their emotions. Say something like, “I understand that you’re feeling angry and sad because I’m not there. It’s okay to feel that way.” Don’t take their words personally. Instead, focus on reassuring them that you love them and that you’re doing everything you can to provide for them. Continue to stay connected and show them your love and support. Maybe plan something special for your next visit to show them you’re trying.
Q: What if the caregiver isn’t enforcing the rules?
A: This is a common problem. Have an open and honest conversation with the caregiver. Explain why it’s important for them to consistently enforce the rules and explain the consequences of not doing so. This might involve revisiting old wounds related to parenting responsibilities. Emphasize the importance of presenting a united front to the children. If the caregiver is unwilling or unable to follow your instructions, it may be necessary to find a new caregiver. This can feel really uncomfortable, so try to be fair & understanding. Be direct – explain your views clearly but gently.
Q: How can I discipline my child when they refuse to talk to me on the phone?
A: This can be frustrating. Try to understand why your child is refusing to talk to you. Are they busy? Are they feeling resentful? Try scheduling your calls at a time that is convenient for them. Make the calls fun and engaging. Ask about their interests, share funny stories, and avoid lecturing them. You could also offer incentives for talking to you, such as extra screen time or a small gift. If they’re still refusing to talk, don’t push it. Just send them a loving message and let them know you’re thinking of them.
Q: How do I deal with my guilt about being away from my children?
A: Guilt is a common emotion for OFW parents. Acknowledge your feelings and remind yourself why you made the decision to work abroad. You’re working hard to provide a better future for your children. Focus on the positive things you’re doing for your family. Stay connected with your children and show them your love and support. Practice self-care and find healthy ways to manage stress. Connect with other OFW parents and share your experiences. Consider seeking professional help from a therapist who can help you process your feelings of guilt.
References
Reyes, J. (2018). The experiences of Filipino migrant children: A qualitative study. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 27(8), 2557-2567.
Parrenas, R. S. (2005). Children of global migration: Transnational families and gendered woes. Stanford University Press.
Carling, J., Menjívar, C., & Schmalzbauer, L. (2012). Gender, migration, and family. Journal of Ethnic and Migration Studies, 38(1), 1-21.
You Can Do This!
Being an OFW parent is undeniably challenging, but it’s also a testament to your love and dedication to your family. With mindful communication, consistent expectations, and a strong support system, you can effectively discipline your children from thousands of miles away. Don’t let the distance define your role as a parent. Instead, let it fuel your creativity and strengthen your commitment to raising happy, well-adjusted children. Take the strategies outlined here and start implementing them today. Your kids deserve it, and you deserve the peace of mind knowing you’re doing everything you can. Start by scheduling a meaningful video call with your child. Ask them about their day, their dreams, and their concerns. Let them know you’re there for them, no matter the distance. You’ve got this!
