Being an Overseas Filipino Worker (OFW) is all about sacrifice, especially when it comes to family. Leaving your kids behind to work abroad is one of the toughest decisions. What’s even tougher? Trying to guide them, teach them good values, and yeah, discipline them, from thousands of miles away. This article looks at those challenges and offers some ideas to make it a little easier.
The Emotional Toll: Missing Out on Key Moments
Let’s face it, discipline isn’t just about scolding or time-outs; it’s about teaching, guiding, and being present during those crucial learning moments. When you’re an OFW, you miss a lot of these. You miss the scraped knees that need comforting, the arguments with siblings that need mediating, and the little white lies that need addressing gently. This absence can lead to feelings of guilt and helplessness. The emotional strain can also make it harder to be consistent with discipline. You might feel tempted to overcompensate with gifts and leniency, making it harder for your child to understand boundaries. This is because you don’t want to spoil what little time you do have with them when you come home for vacation.
Imagine your child gets into a fight at school. Instead of being there to talk to them, understand what happened, and guide them towards a better solution, you’re relying on phone calls and messages. It’s just not the same. According to study on the impact of parental migration on children, the lack of in-person interaction can lead to behavioral issues resulting from feelings of abandonment. It is very tough on both parents and their children.
Communication Breakdown: Bridging the Distance
Communication is key in any parent-child relationship, but it’s even more vital (and more challenging) when you’re an OFW. Time differences, unreliable internet connections, and just the simple fact that you’re not physically present can create barriers to effective communication. How do you pick up on the subtle cues, the unspoken emotions, when you’re only communicating through a screen? It’s tough! Plus, what if your child doesn’t want to talk about their problems? They might feel awkward or embarrassed sharing personal things with you from afar.
Let’s say your teen starts acting out – maybe they’re suddenly skipping classes or becoming withdrawn. If you were there, you might notice the changes in their behavior early on. But when you’re miles away, these signs can easily be missed. You need to rely on others, like your spouse, relatives, or even family friends, to be your eyes and ears. This requires a lot of trust and open communication with them.
The “Lolo and Lola” Effect (or Auntie Effect): Differing Discipline Styles
Often, when OFW parents leave, grandparents (lolo and lola) or other relatives step in to help raise the kids. While this is incredibly helpful, it can also lead to clashes in parenting styles. Maybe you believe in strict rules and consequences, but your parents are more lenient. Maybe you prioritize open communication, but your relatives are more traditional and expect unquestioning obedience. These differing approaches can confuse your child and undermine your authority.
Think about it: you’re trying to establish a consistent set of rules and expectations from abroad, but your child is getting a completely different message at home. This can lead to them playing one adult against another, or simply ignoring your rules altogether. For example, you may require your kid to finish assignments before play time, but a grand parent allows them to play all day while promising that they will do it for the child. This breaks the child’s ability to be time conscious.
Financial Strain: The Temptation to Overcompensate
Many OFWs feel guilty about being away from their families, and it’s tempting to try to make up for it with gifts and material possessions. This can lead to overspending and inadvertently spoiling your children. While it’s natural to want to provide for your family, showering them with expensive toys and gadgets won’t replace your presence or teach them the value of hard work and self-discipline. In fact, it can have the opposite effect, creating a sense of entitlement and making it harder for them to appreciate what they have.
Plus, the financial burden of working abroad can add stress to the family dynamic. You might feel pressured to send more money home, which can lead to you driving yourself too hard. Your kids might also feel the pressure, knowing that your sacrifices are funding their lifestyle. It’s important to have open and honest conversations about money, explaining to your children the value of budgeting and responsible spending.
Technology and Internet Safety: A Modern Minefield
In today’s digital age, technology presents both opportunities and challenges for OFW families. While video calls and messaging apps can help you stay connected, they also expose your children to a range of online risks. From cyberbullying and inappropriate content to online predators and gaming addiction, the internet can be a dangerous place for unsupervised kids. It’s hard to monitor their online activity when you’re not physically present, making it crucial to establish clear rules and guidelines about technology use. The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children offers resources for keeping children safe online.
For instance, if you are not there, can your child have the internet discipline to shut it off by 9PM? And what are they doing with the internet? This extends to what Apps they have on their smartphone, and what information they are sharing online. So many unknowns for a child who may not have the ability to be 100% responsible yet.
Maintaining Authority: “Out of Sight, Out of Mind”?
One of the biggest fears of OFW parents is losing their authority over their children. When you’re not there to enforce rules and provide guidance, it’s easy for kids to test boundaries and push limits. They might start to see you as more of a provider than a parent, someone who sends money but isn’t really involved in their daily lives. This can lead to a lack of respect and make it harder to discipline them effectively when you do come home.
Consider a situation where your child consistently ignores your instructions, even when you’re on a video call. It can also happen they respect all your decisions, but will not follow instructions with your spouse at home. How do you address this without being physically present? It takes a lot of patience, consistency, and a strong partnership with your spouse or caregiver at home.
Building a Strong Support System: You’re Not Alone
Being an OFW parent can be a lonely and isolating experience. That’s why it’s so important to build a strong support system both at home and abroad. Connect with other OFW parents, join online communities, and share your experiences. Talk to your spouse, relatives, and friends about the challenges you’re facing and ask for their support. Don’t be afraid to seek professional help if you’re struggling to cope. Remember, you’re not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to help.
This could mean actively engaging in parent-teacher conferences via video call or using social media groups to connect with other OFW parents in similar situations. Sharing experiences and advice can make a world of difference.
Strategies for Disciplining From Afar:
Okay, so we’ve talked about the challenges, but what can you actually do about them? Here are some concrete strategies to help you discipline your kids effectively, even when you’re thousands of miles away:
- Establish Clear Rules and Expectations: Don’t assume your children know what’s expected of them. Sit down (virtually, if necessary) and create a clear set of rules and consequences. Make sure everyone understands the rules and what will happen if they’re broken. Post these rules in a visible place in the house.
- Stay Connected: Make regular video calls a priority. Don’t just ask about school; talk about their friends, their hobbies, their feelings. Be present and engaged, even when you’re not physically there. Remember that communication is a two-way street. Ask open-ended questions like, What was the best part of your day?, or What are you most excited about this week?
- Work as a Team: Communicate regularly with your spouse or caregiver. Discuss any behavioral issues, share your concerns, and work together to find solutions. Be on the same page when it comes to discipline. This could mean having a weekly check-in call to discuss progress and challenges or creating a shared online calendar to track important events and deadlines.
- Use Technology Wisely: While technology can be a source of problems, it can also be a tool for discipline. There are apps that allow you to monitor your child’s internet activity, set time limits for device use, and even remotely lock their devices. However, transparency is key. Don’t spy on your children without their knowledge. Explain why you’re using these tools and how they can help them stay safe and responsible.
- Focus on Positive Reinforcement: Catch your children being good and praise them for it. Acknowledge their efforts, celebrate their successes, and show them that you appreciate their good behavior. This can be as simple as sending a text message saying, I’m so proud of you for acing your math test! or having a virtual pizza party to celebrate a good report card.
- Be Consistent: Consistency is crucial for effective discipline. Don’t give in to pressure or make exceptions just because you feel guilty. Stick to the rules and consequences you’ve established, even when it’s difficult. If you’ve promised a reward for good behavior, follow through. If you’ve threatened a consequence, make sure you enforce it.
- Listen, Listen, Listen: Make sure you listen to your kid. Are they lashing out against you or your spouse because they are sad? lonely? afraid? Talk through their worries with them whenever possible.
- Don’t Be Afraid to Seek Help: If you’re struggling to discipline your children from afar, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. A therapist or counselor can provide guidance and support. This could be either for you or your child, or for you both. Many organizations offer online counseling services specifically for OFW families.
Real-World Scenarios and Solutions
Let’s look at a few common scenarios and how you might handle them as an OFW parent:
- Scenario 1: Your child is failing in school. Solution: Schedule regular video calls with your child to discuss their schoolwork. Offer to help them with their homework or find a tutor online. Communicate with their teachers to stay informed about their progress. If your local partner at home cannot motivate them to study well, offer small (but agreed-upon) rewards for their good performance.
- Scenario 2: Your teen is staying out late without permission. Solution: Establish clear rules about curfew and consequences for breaking them. Use a tracking app to monitor their location. Have a serious conversation with them about the importance of trust and responsibility. Again, consistency is key in ensuring compliance.
- Scenario 3: Your child is constantly fighting with their siblings. Solution: Facilitate a virtual family meeting to discuss the issues. Encourage them to find constructive ways to resolve their conflicts. Consider implementing a reward system for cooperation and teamwork.
- Scenario 4: Your child is being bullied online. Solution: Talk to your child about cyberbullying and how to handle it. Teach them to block and report bullies. Work with the school and other parents to address the issue. Ensure your child knows they can always come to you, and you will help.
The Importance of Self-Care for OFW Parents
It’s easy to get so focused on your children that you forget to take care of yourself. But if you’re not healthy and happy, you won’t be able to effectively parent from afar. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, and exercising regularly. Find time for hobbies and activities that you enjoy. Connect with friends and family members. And don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Your health is your child’s health and you have to treat yourself as if you were treating them.
Remember, taking care of yourself is not selfish; it’s essential for your well-being and the well-being of your family. A happy and healthy you will be a better parent, even from afar.
Navigating Cultural Differences
Working in a different country often means adapting to a new culture. These cultural differences can sometimes clash with your values and beliefs as a parent. For example, you might find that discipline methods that are acceptable in your host country are not aligned with your own values. It’s important to be aware of these differences and to find a balance between respecting the local culture and upholding your own parenting principles. This is more relevant for OFWs who plan to raise their family permanently overseas.
It’s a good idea to research the local customs and traditions related to child-rearing and discipline. Talk to other OFW parents who have experience navigating these cultural differences. This will help you make informed decisions about how to raise your children in a way that is both culturally sensitive and consistent with your values.
Managing Expectations
It’s important to be realistic about what you can achieve as an OFW parent. You can’t be there for every milestone, every school event, every scraped knee. There will be times when you feel helpless and frustrated. It’s okay to feel these emotions. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Focus on what you can control and let go of what you can’t. Celebrate the small victories and remember that your love and support, even from afar, can make a big difference in your children’s lives.
Constantly comparing your situation to other parents who are physically present will only lead to disappointment and resentment. Instead, focus on building a strong and loving relationship with your children, even if it’s from a distance. Remember, quality time is more important than quantity time.
Preparing for Your Return
Eventually, you’ll come home for good. It’s important to prepare for this transition. Talk to your children about your plans and what they can expect. Start gradually re-integrating yourself into their daily lives. Be patient and understanding. It may take some time for everyone to adjust to having you back home full-time.
Consider attending family counseling sessions to help with the transition. This can provide a safe space for everyone to express their feelings and work through any challenges. Remember, communication is key to a successful re-integration.
FAQ Section
Here are some frequently asked questions about disciplining kids as an OFW, along with answers.
How can I stay connected with my child when the time difference is significant?
Plan specific call times that work best for both you and your child. Utilize weekends when you might have more overlap in awake hours. If you consistently call during those times, your child will get used to it and realize your call is important.
My child seems angry and resentful towards me for working abroad. What can I do?
Acknowledge their feelings and validate their anger. Be sure you listen more than talk. Explain why you made the decision to work abroad and how it benefits the family. Spending quality time with them during your visits home is essential. If the feeling persists, consult with a professional counselor for support.
How do I ensure that my child respects my spouse/caregiver while I’m away?
Present a united front with your spouse/caregiver. Clearly communicate to your child that you both have the same expectations and rules. Support their authority and intervene if you witness any disrespect. Show (video) call them sometimes for support when appropriate.
What if my child starts behaving differently only when they know I am about to come home for a visit?
This could be a way to get your attention or test the boundaries. Maintain consistency with your rules and expectations. Don’t let guilt or excitement override your judgment. Spend plenty of one-on-one time actively listening to their thoughts and feelings will help ease the transition.
How do I handle situations where my child needs discipline immediately, but I can’t be there physically?
Discuss with your spouse/caregiver how they will handle discipline in your absence. Have a pre-agreed-upon set of consequences. Trust their judgment and provide support from afar via phone or video call. After the immediate issue is addressed, schedule a video call with your child to further discuss the situation and reinforce the lesson.
My child is very private and doesn’t like to talk about their feelings. How can I still connect with them?
Find other ways to connect with them beyond direct conversation. Maybe play online games together as a way to interact more informally. You may try watching movies together by video call and allow to express feelings about the situation.
References
Panggat, M. (2022). Coping Mechanisms and Challenges Encountered by OFW Parents and their Children Left Behind. International Journal of Research Studies in Education, 11(7), 17-22.
Parreñas, R. S. (2005). Children of global migration: Transnational families and gendered woes. Stanford University Press.
Scalabrini Migration Center. (2017). Migration facts and figures: Overseas Filipinos. Manila, Philippines: Scalabrini Migration Center.
Being an OFW parent is without question one of the toughest balancing acts, requiring extra care, attention, and innovative parenting strategies. By adapting strategies for a connected home, prioritizing self-care, and seeking help when needed, it’s possible to successfully guide your children even from afar. Your children will thrive if you’re active and are being there for them.
Ready to take action and create a stronger connection with your kids, even from afar? Start today by scheduling a regular video call, creating a shared online calendar, communicating with your loved ones consistently, and more. Invest in your family’s well-being – the rewards will be immeasurable!
