The Guilt of Leaving: OFWs and Overcoming Parenting Anxiety

Being an Overseas Filipino Worker (OFW) is a sacrifice, especially when it comes to parenting. The guilt of leaving your children behind is a heavy burden many OFWs carry. This article explores this guilt, the parenting anxiety it creates, and offers practical tips to help OFWs navigate these challenges and build strong, loving relationships with their children from afar.

Understanding the OFW Parenting Guilt

The guilt OFWs feel isn’t just a simple feeling; it’s a complex mix of emotions. It stems from missing important milestones – birthdays, school events, even everyday moments like tucking your child into bed. It’s the worry of someone else raising your child, of not being there to guide them, and the fear that your absence will negatively impact their development. We know based off studies done on migrant workers that this separation can lead to emotional distress and increased risk of psychological challenges.

Think about it: Maria, a single mother working as a nurse in Saudi Arabia, often cries when her daughter sends her videos of school plays. She feels guilty that she’s missing out, that her daughter might feel abandoned despite knowing Maria is working hard to provide for her. This is a very common feeling among OFWs. It’s the painful realization that financial stability comes at the cost of physical presence, and that stings.

Another common guilt is the fear of not being “there” enough. You might wonder: Am I missing crucial signs of bullying? Am I failing to address issues immediately? Are the caretakers properly guiding them, or is there a neglect of responsibilities? It’s a constant battle to alleviate this worry and trust the system you’ve put in place.

Why is this Guilt so Powerful?

This guilt is so powerful because it attacks our fundamental identity as parents. We are wired to nurture, protect, and guide our children. When we are physically separated, this innate drive is frustrated, leading to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. It connects with the cultural expectation that parents, particularly mothers, should be the primary caregivers. Studies have shown that Filipinos place high value on family and this can exacerbate the feeling of guilt when physical distance is required.

Adding to that, the sacrifice involved in becoming an OFW is almost automatically tied to guilt. OFWs give up what they value most, their time with family, in order to offer them better financial advantages. This sacrifice comes with a great weight, the thought that the only way to offer their children a better life is to give them up to a degree.

The Impact of OFW Parenting on Children

The absence of a parent can indeed affect children, but not always negatively. While there are challenges, children of OFWs can also develop resilience, independence, and a strong sense of responsibility. The key is to understand the potential impacts and proactively address them.

Some children may experience feelings of sadness, abandonment, or anger. They might act out, withdraw, or struggle academically. Communication is key here. Talk to your children about their feelings, validate their emotions, and reassure them that your love for them is unwavering, even from afar. This could involve scheduled calls, texts and/or video messages at pre agreed times giving them control over the time/place in which communication happens.

It’s important to maintain constant communication. Use video calls, messaging apps, and social media to stay connected. Be present in their lives as much as possible, even from a distance. But don’t fall into the trap of just showering them with gifts. While material things can be appreciated, what they truly crave is your time and attention. Make video calls a regular family event, play online games together, or read them bedtime stories virtually. These small moments create lasting memories and strengthen your bond.

The child’s age plays a significant role in how they perceive the situation. Younger children might have difficulty understanding why you’re away, requiring more patience and reassurance. Older children might understand the financial reasons but still struggle with the emotional absence. Adapt your communication style to suit their age and maturity level. Encourage them to express their feelings openly and honestly, and seek professional help if needed.

It is important that the child left home is able to manage their emotions. Try to create an awareness, teaching the children the various signals that they might be in distress. You could even start with a simple emotional scale, starting with 1 (no distress) to 5 (extreme distress, needs immediate care).

The Important Role of the Caregiver

The person who is primarily caring for your children in your absence plays a crucial role in mitigating the negative impacts of your absence. Choose someone you trust implicitly – a spouse, a grandparent, a sibling, or a trusted family friend. Make sure they understand your parenting style and values, and empower them to make decisions in your absence.

Avoid creating a power imbalance between you and the caregiver. Don’t undermine their authority by contradicting their decisions in front of your children. Work together as a team, and communicate openly and respectfully. You can also involve the caregiver in your video calls, making them feel like they are part of the conversation and decision-making process.

Make sure the caregiver is also taking care of themselves. The responsibility of raising children without a parent can be overwhelming. Encourage them to seek support from other family members, friends, or community resources. Provide them with financial support to ensure they can afford childcare, household help, or recreational activities. A happy and supported caregiver is better equipped to provide a nurturing and stable environment for your children.

Practical Tips to Overcome OFW Parenting Anxiety

Overcoming the guilt and anxiety of being an OFW parent is an ongoing process. Here are some practical steps you can take:

1. Acknowledge and Validate Your Feelings: Don’t dismiss your guilt or anxiety. Acknowledge that it’s a normal and valid emotion given your circumstances. Talk to other OFWs who understand what you’re going through. Bottling up your feelings will only make them worse.
2. Set Realistic Expectations: You can’t be there for everything. Accept that you will miss some milestones and acknowledge that is out of your control. Focus on what you can control – the quality of your communication and the support you provide from afar.
3. Establish a Routine: Create a consistent schedule for communicating with your children. Set aside specific times for video calls, messaging, or online activities. Consistency provides a sense of stability and predictability for your children.
4. Be Fully Present During Communication: When you are communicating with your children, give them your undivided attention. Turn off distractions, put away your phone, and focus on what they are saying. Active listening shows them that you care and value their thoughts and feelings.
5. Involve Yourself in their Lives: Attend virtual school events, help them with homework, or participate in online activities with them. Show them that you are interested in their lives and that you are still a part of their daily routine. Work with the teacher to understand the workload involved, how you might be able to help, and to set expectations in regard to your children’s performance.
6. Create Shared Experiences: Watch movies together online, play online games, or read the same book and discuss it during your video calls. Shared experiences create lasting memories and strengthen your bond. Consider that if all the children at home are playing one video game, that you play that game for a few minutes too!
7. Send Personalized Gifts: Instead of sending generic gifts, send something that is personalized and meaningful. A handwritten letter, a photo album with family pictures, or a small item that reminds them of you can go a long way.
8. Plan Meaningful Visits: Make the most of your visits home. Plan activities that you and your children enjoy doing together. Focus on creating quality time and lasting memories. Avoid over-scheduling – allow for downtime and spontaneous activities.
9. Take Care of Yourself: You can’t pour from an empty cup. Make sure you are taking care of your physical and mental health. Get enough sleep, eat healthy, exercise regularly, and find healthy ways to manage stress.
10. Seek Support: Don’t be afraid to seek professional help if you are struggling to cope with the guilt and anxiety of being an OFW parent. A therapist or counselor can provide you with support and guidance. Additionally, talking to other OFWs in support groups or online forums can help you feel less alone.

Dealing with Specific Anxiety Triggers

Certain situations can trigger anxiety more than others. Prepare yourself for these triggers and have a plan in place to manage your anxiety.

School Events: Missing school events can be particularly painful. Ask the caregiver to take photos or videos and share them with you. Participate virtually if possible – some schools offer online viewing options. Focus on celebrating your child’s accomplishments in other ways, such as sending a congratulatory card or arranging a special video call.

Illness or Accidents: It’s natural to feel anxious when your child is sick or injured and you can’t be there to comfort them. Stay in close communication with the caregiver and the doctor. Offer your support and guidance from afar. Remind yourself that you have chosen a reliable caregiver who is capable of handling the situation.

Behavioral Issues: Dealing with behavioral issues from a distance can be challenging. Work with the caregiver to establish clear rules and consequences. Develop a consistent discipline plan that you both follow. Use video calls to discuss the issues with your child and offer your guidance and support. Seek professional help if the behavioral issues are persistent or severe.

Building a Strong Relationship from Afar

Maintaining a strong relationship with your children from a distance requires intentional effort and creativity. Here are some strategies:

Foster Open Communication: Create a safe and supportive environment where your children feel comfortable talking to you about anything. Encourage them to share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences, both good and bad. Listen actively and without judgment. One example is to make time available for them to communicate with you even when you’re at work. Let them be in control of when and how they communicate, as long as it is during work hours.

Be Consistent and Reliable: Consistency is key to building trust. Follow through on your promises and commitments. Be there when you say you will be. Let them know that you will make time for them, and keep to your word.

Show Your Love and Affection: Express your love and affection openly and frequently. Tell your children how much you love them and how proud you are of them. Send them hugs and kisses through video calls. Leave them voice messages telling them how much you’re thinking of them.

Celebrate Their Achievements: Acknowledge and celebrate your children’s achievements, no matter how small. Send them a card, give them a shout-out on social media, or arrange a special video call to celebrate their success. Praising them will reinforce positive behavior.

Be a Role Model: Show your children the kind of person you want them to be. Demonstrate hard work, perseverance, and a positive attitude. Even from afar, children are always influenced by their parents.

The Importance of Self-Care for OFWs

Taking care of yourself is not selfish; it’s essential for your well-being and your ability to be a good parent. Here are some self-care tips for OFWs:

• Prioritize Your Physical Health: Get enough sleep, eat healthy, and exercise regularly. Create a routine that you will stick to for the entire week, including physical exercise. Set small, achievable goals.
• Manage Stress: Find healthy and effective ways to manage stress. Practice relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, meditation, or yoga. Do activities that release positive chemicals in the body. Find a healthy method to cope with daily stress.
• Connect with Others: Maintain your social connections. Spend time with friends, family, or other OFWs. Join a support group or online forum.
• Pursue Your Hobbies: Make time for activities that you enjoy. Read a book, listen to music, watch a movie, or pursue a hobby.
• Seek Professional Help: Don’t be afraid to seek professional help if you are struggling to cope with the challenges of being an OFW. A therapist or counselor can provide you with support and guidance.

Remember also that you need to create a support structure that you can turn to to manage your stress, and anxiety. These support groups will often be the same groups that understand the sacrifice you’ve made, and the worries that you harbor daily.

FAQ Section

Q: How do I deal with my child’s anger towards me for leaving?

A: First, validate their feelings. Let them know that it’s okay to be angry and that you understand why they feel that way. Avoid getting defensive or dismissive. Listen actively and empathetically. Explain your reasons for leaving in a way that they can understand, emphasizing that it’s for their benefit. Reassure them of your love and commitment and continue strengthening and solidifying your relationship. It may not go away in a single conversion but consistent reinforcement can help your child.

Q: My child is starting to act out in school. Is it because I’m away?

A: It’s possible that your absence is contributing to your child’s behavior. However, there could be other factors at play, such as peer pressure, academic challenges, or family issues. Talk to your child, their teacher, and the caregiver to understand the situation better. Work together to develop a plan to address the behavioral issues. Consider seeking professional help from a child psychologist or counselor if the behavior persists.

Q: How can I ensure that my child is getting the emotional support they need?

A: Make sure the caregiver is providing a nurturing and supportive environment and also seek out other reliable adults. Encourage your child to talk about their feelings and concerns. Maintain constant communication with them, even when you’re away. Encourage your child to participate in extracurricular activities or sports that provide them with social interaction and support. A support structure built on love, trust, and communication is essential.

Q: I feel like I’m missing out on my child’s life. How can I cope with this feeling?

A: It’s natural to feel like you’re missing out. It’s helpful to focus on what you can control. Establish rituals like daily video calls, sending care packages, and sharing stories of your life abroad. Plan for meaningful visits home and create a strong connection with the caregiver so you understand and are involved in key events. Try to change the narrative of your guilt into the fact that you’re planning and executing an important sacrifice for your children.

Q: My child is getting bullied at school while I am out of the country. What should I do?

A: Coordinate with the care partner to bring awareness to school authority like the teachers, the guidance counselor, and even the principal. Open lines of communication, especially to your child, ensuring they feel safe to communicate. If possible, attend school events, even virtually, to keep yourself updated about your child’s environment. Most important of all, constantly boost their emotional and mental well-being.

References

1. International Labour Organization (ILO). (n.d.). Migration.
2. Philippine Statistics Authority (PSA). (n.d.).

Instead of feeling crushed by the guilt of distance, consider reframing the narrative. Your hard work, your sacrifices, are laying the foundation for your children’s future. But don’t let that future be built on a foundation of emotional neglect. Take the steps outlined above, prioritize connection, and seek help when you need it. You can bridge the distance with intention and love. Don’t let geography dictate your role as a parent. Start today, reach out, connect, and build a stronger bond with your child. Give them a call right away. Let them know that you are here even if you are not physically there.