It’s tough when OFW parents come home after working abroad for years, only to find that reconnecting with their kids isn’t as easy as they hoped. Decades living apart can create emotional distance, different perspectives, and communication barriers, making it hard to rebuild the family bond everyone longs for.
The Empty Chair: Years of Absence and Its Impact
Imagine growing up with a constant ache of missing someone important. That’s often the reality for children of Overseas Filipino Workers (OFWs). While remittances provide for their needs, the emotional void left by an absent parent can be deep. Think about this: a child misses birthdays, school plays, and simple everyday moments like dinner together or help with homework. These seemingly small things build a foundation of connection, and when a parent isn’t there, a gap forms. This gap can grow wider over time, creating a sense of detachment that’s difficult to bridge. The study titled Impact of Migration on Children Left Behind in the Philippines by UNICEF, highlights potential negative effects like increased anxiety and behavioral problems in children.
It is import to understand that the child’s perspective is shaped by their unique experiences during the parent’s absence. They may have developed coping mechanisms, relied heavily on other family members like grandparents or siblings, and learned to navigate life without the parent’s immediate guidance. When the parent finally comes home, the child might feel that their world is being disrupted. The parent’s expectations of instantly resuming their role as a caregiver can clash with the child’s established routines and sense of independence. This clash can lead to misunderstandings, resentment, and a struggle to reconnect on a meaningful level.
Filling the Void: Other Caregivers and Evolving Relationships
Let’s be real, someone else steps in. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, older siblings—they become the stand-in parents. While they provide love and care, it’s not quite the same. The child may form deep bonds with these caregivers, and their influence shapes the child’s values and beliefs. When the OFW parent returns, they may unknowingly challenge these established dynamics. For example, a grandparent might have been lenient with the child’s screen time, but the returning parent has stricter rules. This difference in parenting styles can cause conflict and confusion.
The returning parent may also feel threatened by the close relationship the child has with the temporary caregiver. They might worry that they’ve been replaced or that their authority is undermined. It’s important for the parent to acknowledge and appreciate the role of these caregivers. Instead of viewing them as competition, they should see them as allies who have helped nurture and support the child during their absence.
The Power of Perspective: Understanding Each Other’s Journey
For OFWs, leaving their families is never easy. They often sacrifice personal comfort and endure loneliness to provide a better future for their loved ones. They work long hours, face cultural challenges, and grapple with the constant worry of being away. When they finally return, they bring with them a set of experiences and expectations that can be vastly different from their children’s. They may expect their children to be grateful and understanding of their sacrifices. However, children may not fully grasp the extent of their parents’ struggles or the reasons behind their absence.
Think about it from the child’s point of view. They’ve grown up with the understanding that their parent works abroad, but they may not truly understand the financial pressures or emotional toll involved. They might focus on the missed birthdays and holidays, the lack of parental guidance, and the feeling of being left behind. They may harbor some resentment towards the parent for choosing to work abroad, even though they understand it was for their benefit. It is crucial for both sides to acknowledge each other’s perspective and to empathize with their experiences. A common issue shared by children of ofws is expressed in this Research on Struggles, emotional distress and resilience of children of solo migrant workers.
Bridging the Gap: Communication is Key
Talking, really talking, is essential. But it’s not just about exchanging information; it’s about sharing feelings, fears, and dreams. Often parents talk at their kids instead of with them. Sit down, put away the phones, and just listen. Ask open-ended questions like, “What has been the hardest part about me being away?” or “What are your hopes for our family now that I’m back?”. Be prepared to hear things you might not like, and try not to get defensive. Acknowledge their feelings and validate their experiences.
Communication isn’t just verbal, either. Actions speak louder than words. Spend quality time together doing activities that everyone enjoys. This could be anything from watching movies and playing games to going on hikes and cooking meals together. The key is to be present and engaged, and to show your children that you genuinely care about their lives.
The Role of Technology: A Blessing and a Curse
Technology has made it easier than ever for OFWs to stay connected with their families. Video calls, messaging apps, and social media platforms allow for real-time communication, bridging the geographical distance. A study on The role of ICT on OFW families. explores the crucial function of technology in these families. However, technology can also create a false sense of closeness. A quick video call once a week may not be enough to compensate for the lack of physical presence and everyday interactions. Children may feel that their parents are more present online than they are in their lives.
Furthermore, technology can sometimes be a distraction. Parents might be tempted to spend their free time scrolling through social media or watching videos instead of engaging with their children. This can send the message that they are not truly interested in their children’s lives. It’s important to use technology intentionally and mindfully. Set aside dedicated time for video calls and online interactions, but also make sure to balance it with real-world interactions.
Beyond the Screen: Creating Meaningful Connections
Turn off the phones and really be present. Create traditions, like a special family meal on Sundays or a weekly board game night. Look for opportunities to connect on a deeper level. Volunteer together at a local charity, attend a sporting event, or take a weekend trip. These shared experiences create lasting memories and strengthen family bonds.
Also, encourage your children to pursue their interests and hobbies. Attend their school events, watch their sports games, and support their creative endeavors. This shows them that you are invested in their lives and that you value their passions. Taking time to genuinely understand and connect over their hobbies can demonstrate value and that you understand the importance of their interests.
Addressing Underlying Issues: Seeking Help When Needed
Sometimes, the struggle to reconnect goes beyond communication challenges and differing perspectives. There may be underlying issues that need to be addressed, such as unresolved conflicts, feelings of abandonment, or mental health concerns. Don’t hesitate to seek professional help. A therapist or counselor can provide a safe and supportive space for families to explore these issues and develop healthy coping mechanisms. They can facilitate communication, help resolve conflicts, and guide families towards healing.
Online resources and support groups can also be helpful. These platforms provide a sense of community and offer valuable information and advice. Connecting with other families who have similar experiences can be incredibly validating and empowering. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. It shows that you are committed to rebuilding your family and creating a healthy and fulfilling life for everyone.
Therapy: A Tool for Healing and Growth
Family therapy can give everyone a chance to talk openly and honestly in a safe space. For the skeptical, it’s not about placing blame; it is all about understanding each other better. If therapy seems too formal, start small with family meetings. Pick a regular time, set some ground rules (like no interrupting), and let everyone share their thoughts and feelings. Even a simple check-in can make a big difference.
Different family members may have different levels of willingness to embrace therapy. One way of easing family into therapy is for the OFWs to seek individual therapy, then invite family members later. You may utilize websites such as PsychologyToday to help seek professional help online.
The Power of Forgiveness: Letting Go of the Past
The past can weigh heavily on families affected by OFW work arrangements. Resentment, anger, and hurt feelings can linger, preventing them from moving forward. Forgiveness is not about condoning past actions; it’s about releasing the emotional baggage that’s holding you back. This doesn’t mean forgetting what happened, but it means choosing to let go of the pain and bitterness attached to it. Forgiveness is a process, and it takes time and effort. It requires empathy, understanding, and a willingness to see things from the other person’s perspective. Sometimes, forgiveness needs to start with yourself. Forgive yourself for any mistakes you made during your time apart. Acknowledge that you did the best you could with the resources and knowledge you had at the time.
Create a new narrative. Instead of dwelling on the past, focus on building a brighter future together. Set new goals, create new traditions, and embrace new experiences. This can help shift the focus from what was lost to what can be gained. Start writing future, new chapters in your family’s history together.
Rekindling the Flame: Rebuilding Intimacy and Trust
After years of separation, rebuilding intimacy can feel daunting. Start with small gestures of affection and connection. Hold hands, hug, and tell each other how much you care. Spend quality time together doing things you both enjoy. Communication is also key to rebuilding intimacy. Share your thoughts, feelings, and desires with each other. Be open and honest, and listen without judgment. Trust takes time to rebuild, especially if there have been breaches of trust in the past. Be patient, understanding, and consistent in your actions. Show your partner that you are reliable and trustworthy. In many cases, OFWs tend to have marital problems after separation when they decide to reunite.
Consider going on dates again, just like you did when you were first dating. Dress up, go to a nice restaurant, and spend the evening reconnecting. Little gestures can go a long way towards making a difference. You will soon realize that the things you used to love with can come back with intentional effort.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Here are some common questions about reconnecting with OFW kids:
Q: How long does it typically take to reconnect with my children after being an OFW for many years?
A: There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. It depends on several factors, including the child’s age, personality, the length of separation, and the effort both sides put into rebuilding the relationship. It could take months, even years, of consistent effort and open communication. Don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t happen overnight. Focus on building small, meaningful connections over time.
Q: My child seems angry and resentful towards me. What can I do?
A: Acknowledge their feelings and validate their experiences. Trying to minimize or dismiss their emotions will only make things worse. Listen without judgment, and let them know that you understand why they feel the way they do. Apologize for your absence and for any pain it caused. Be patient, and allow them time to process their emotions. Consider seeking professional help if the anger and resentment are persistent and interfere with your ability to connect.
Q: I feel like my child doesn’t respect me anymore. How can I regain their respect?
A: Respect is earned, not demanded. Start by showing respect to your child. Listen to their opinions, value their perspectives, and treat them with kindness. Be a role model for the behavior you want to see in them. Follow through on your promises, be honest, and demonstrate responsibility. Set clear boundaries and expectations, but enforce them with empathy and understanding. Over time, as you demonstrate that you are trustworthy and reliable, your child will likely begin to respect you again.
Q: My child is used to doing things their own way. How can I establish my authority as a parent?
A: Don’t try to take control all at once. Start by building a connection with your child and understanding their perspective. Find common ground and work together to establish new rules and expectations. Involve them in the decision-making process, and explain the reasons behind your rules. Be consistent in enforcing these rules, but also be flexible and willing to compromise when appropriate. Remember, the goal is not to dominate your child but to guide and support them in a loving and respectful manner.
Q: What if my child refuses to communicate with me?
A: Don’t give up. Continue to reach out to them, even if they don’t respond right away. Send them messages, leave them small gifts, or simply let them know that you’re thinking of them. Respect their need for space, but also let them know that you are available whenever they are ready to talk. Find alternative ways to connect with them, such as through shared activities or common interests. Be patient and persistent, and eventually, they may be more willing to open up.
Q: I am an older OFW who has come back home. My children already have children of their own. How can I connect with my ‘adult children’ after being away for so long?
A: Focus on building a relationship, not trying to parent them. They are already adults. The best action is to build relationship based on friendship. Start small with casual conversations, showing interest in their lives, their spouses, and your grandchildren. Offering help and support without being intrusive can be helpful. Grandparents have rich life experiences and stories that you should pass on to your children, and to your grandchildren. Showing up for big moments in their lives will also let them know you care. More importantly, listen more than you speak, and respect their decisions.
References
- UNICEF Philippines. (n.d.). Impact of Migration on Children Left Behind in the Philippines.
- Lomibao, L. S., and Rule, D. C. C. (2021). Coping with loneliness in mobile homes: Struggles, emotional distress, and resilience of children of solo migrant workers. Journal of Communication Pedagogy, 4(2), 235-253.
- DLSU Research Congress Proceedings. (2019). The Role of ICT on OFW Families.
Reconnect with your children by taking action today. Show your love, be present, be patient and accept that love is a continuous journey—not a destination. The future of your family is created in every moment. Start building it now!
