Being an Overseas Filipino Worker (OFW) is tough on marriages. Long distance, financial pressures, and cultural differences can strain even the strongest relationships. This guide offers practical tips to help OFWs and their spouses build a strong and lasting marriage, despite the challenges of working abroad.
Understanding the Unique Challenges OFWs Face
Let’s be honest, working abroad impacts your marriage in ways you might not expect. It’s not just about being physically apart; it’s about the emotional distance that can grow. Imagine your spouse at home dealing with everything – kids, household chores, family emergencies – all alone. They might feel overwhelmed and resentful, even if they understand why you’re working abroad. On the other hand, you, the OFW, might feel lonely, stressed with work, and pressured to send money home. This imbalance can create tension if not addressed openly.
One study highlights that couples in long-distance relationships face unique challenges related to communication, trust, and intimacy. While these challenges are universal, OFWs experience them within a specific socio-economic context. For example, pressure from extended family for financial support can further complicate matters, potentially leading to disagreements about money management and financial priorities. According to the Philippine Statistics Authority (PSA), remittances from OFWs significantly contribute to the Philippine economy. This also translates to large financial obligations for the OFW which in-turn can create tension or arguments in the marriage.
Communication is Key: Staying Connected Across the Miles
Think of communication like the air your marriage breathes. If it’s stale or absent, the relationship will suffocate. Regularly talk to each other, not just about logistics (“Did you pay the bills?”), but about your feelings, dreams, and fears. Schedule dedicated “date nights” via video call where you can focus solely on each other. No discussions about money or problems allowed – just quality time connecting emotionally.
Technology offers many tools, but choose what works best for both of you. One couple I know uses a shared online calendar to keep track of each other’s schedules and family events. This simple act helps them feel more connected and involved in each other’s lives. Don’t underestimate the power of a simple text message or a short phone call to say “I love you” or “I’m thinking of you.”
Be mindful of the time difference. It may seem simple, but regularly waking someone up in the middle of their night is not a sign of affection. Instead, schedule calls and activities in advance so everyone knows that they are coming. Consider using instant messaging to send texts or photos when live connection is unavailable.
Building Trust and Maintaining Fidelity
Trust is the bedrock of any solid marriage, doubly so when you’re miles apart. Be transparent with each other about your activities, friends, and finances. Avoid secrets or behaviors that could raise suspicion. This doesn’t mean reporting every single move, but letting your spouse know what to expect and giving them no reason to doubt your commitment.
Infidelity is a significant threat to long-distance relationships. It’s easier said than done, but constantly reaffirm your commitment to the relationship. Talk openly about your values and boundaries from the start. Discuss scenarios that might tempt you or your spouse and agree on how to handle them. Remember, choosing each other every day, even when it’s difficult, strengthens your bond. Reaffirm your intentions to remain true to each other, and constantly remind yourselves of the shared goals you have together.
Address any insecurities immediately. Don’t let small doubts fester and grow into larger problems. Open communication and reassurance can nip these issues in the bud. If you struggle with jealousy or distrust, consider seeking guidance from a marriage counselor or therapist.
Managing Finances as an OFW Couple
Money is a major source of conflict for many couples, especially when one is working abroad. Create a joint budget and discuss your financial goals together. Be transparent about your income, expenses, and debts. Decide together how much money will be sent home, how it will be used, and how much will be saved.
Empower your spouse at home to manage the household finances. This not only eases your burden but also helps them feel valued and involved. Provide them with the tools and knowledge they need to make informed decisions, such as online banking access and financial literacy resources.
Avoid unnecessary expenses or financial pressures that could strain the relationship. Don’t fall prey to scams or get pressured by extended family members to send more money than you can afford. Remember, your marriage should be your top financial priority, even above the needs of relatives. Creating a long-term investment plan for a house, retirement fund or children’s college fund can also help ensure that your marriage is aligned with long term financial goals.
Supporting Each Other’s Emotional Needs
Working abroad can be isolating and emotionally draining. Make sure you’re both actively supporting each other’s emotional needs. Listen without judgment, offer encouragement, and celebrate each other’s successes, no matter how small. A simple, “I’m proud of you” or “I understand you are tired” can make a big difference. Don’t assume your spouse knows how you’re feeling; communicate your needs clearly and kindly.
For the spouse at home, it’s important to maintain your own social life and hobbies. Being totally dependent on the OFW for emotional support can create an unhealthy dynamic. Join a club, volunteer, or pursue interests that bring you joy. This will not only enrich your life but also make you a more well-rounded and interesting partner.
The OFW needs emotional support as well. Often times it is felt that because the OFW is earning more money, they should just bear the stress of the job, and provide for the need of the family, and not complain about it. This is a huge mistake, and the OFW should have the right to be heard. Make time to listen to the OFW’s problems at work, give him/her encouraging words from time to time. Acknowledge that they are going through great lengths to provide for the whole family.
Planning for Reunions and the Future
Regular visits are crucial for maintaining intimacy and connection. Plan your reunions in advance and make them special. Don’t just treat them as ordinary vacations; use them as opportunities to reconnect emotionally and physically. Go on dates, try new things together, and create lasting memories.
Discuss your long-term plans for the future. When will you return home for good? What are your goals for your family, career, and retirement? Having a shared vision for the future will give you something to work towards and help you navigate the challenges of being apart. One major reason OFWs work abroad in the first place is to save enough money to come home for good someday. Keeping this primary goal in mind will help both parties keep focused on the objectives.
The absence will always be a part of the marriage. It is more important to focus on how to make it a non-issue at all times. Instead of thinking on the gap that absence brings, think on how each party can perform the roles needed for the family. Constant communication of the end in mind makes it easier for both sides in performing their duties both in the present and for the future.
Embracing Cultural Differences
If you’re working in a country with a different culture, be prepared for cultural challenges both at work and in your relationship. Learn about the local customs, values, and traditions. Be open-minded and respectful of your spouse’s perspective. Discuss how cultural differences might affect your marriage and develop strategies for navigating them together. For example, differing views of gender roles can cause conflict. If these are not addressed beforehand, they are bound to be a point of contention.
For example, in some cultures, it’s common for families to be very involved in a couple’s decisions, including financial matters. This can put pressure on OFWs, especially if their spouse’s family expects them to provide financial support. Talk to your spouse about these expectations and set boundaries together. Remember, your marriage is your priority, and you have the right to make decisions that are best for both of you.
Be respectful of each other’s opinions and views about how to deal with cultural differences. Listen actively when arguments and differing view come along. Never discount what the other party thinks. Instead, weigh the pros and cons of each side of the equation. Look for common ground wherein both of you can come into agreement.
Seeking Professional Help
Don’t hesitate to seek professional help if you’re struggling to maintain your marriage while working abroad. A marriage counselor or therapist can provide guidance and support to help you navigate the challenges of long-distance relationships. Many counselors offer online sessions, making it easy to connect regardless of your location. Online platforms like Psychology Today provide directories of therapists that can offer counseling to OFWs.
There’s no shame in needing help from third parties. Sometimes, an unbiased opinion is what could save a strained marriage. If you find that yourselves are lost about how to go about dealing with a problem in your relationship, do not hesitate to seek assistance.
Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. It shows that you’re committed to preserving your marriage and willing to take the necessary steps to make it work. A good counselor can teach you communication skills, conflict resolution strategies, and help you address underlying issues that may be impacting your relationship.
Dealing with Loneliness and Isolation
Loneliness and isolation are common experiences for both OFWs and their spouses at home. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings and find healthy ways to cope with them. For the OFW, consider joining a community group or connecting with other Filipinos in your area. Engage in hobbies, exercise regularly, and stay connected with family and friends back home.
For the spouse at home, build a strong support system of friends and family. Stay active in your community and pursue interests that bring you joy. Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. There are many other OFW spouses who understand what you’re going through. Connecting with them can provide valuable support and encouragement.
OFWs and their spouses should always be mindful of the reasons they entered their long-distance arrangement in the first place. Reminding each of the end goal and big picture helps everyone keep their eyes on the prize. If things get difficult, the goals set should be enough to carry everyone.
Maintaining Intimacy
Physical intimacy can be challenging to maintain in a long-distance relationship, but it’s not impossible. Communicate openly about your needs and desires. Explore creative ways to stay connected physically, such as sending intimate messages, exchanging photos or videos, or using technology to enhance your virtual interactions. It is equally important to prioritize physical intimacy when you are reunited.
Remember, intimacy is not just about sex. It’s about emotional closeness, vulnerability, and connection. Make time to cuddle, hold hands, and simply be present with each other when you are together. These small gestures can go a long way in strengthening your bond. It is important to remember that a strong marriage is built on a solid foundation of emotional intimacy, even when physical presence is lacking.
Don’t let long periods of separation lead to estrangement between the parties. Rebuilding intimacy may take time, so patience is a key ingredient whenever you are together. It is important though on both parts to put in genuine effort in developing intimacy with the other. After all, marriage is intimate by its very nature, so having that ingredient is very important.
Using Time Apart for Self-Improvement
Being apart can be an opportunity for personal growth and self-improvement. Use the time to pursue your individual goals, learn new skills, or focus on your health and well-being. This will not only enrich your own life but also make you a more interesting and valuable partner. Consider taking online courses, reading books, joining a gym, or volunteering in your community.
For example, you can both work on improving your communication skills, emotional intelligence, or financial literacy. These skills will not only benefit your marriage but also enhance your personal and professional lives. A solid marriage is always a partnership of healthy, happy, and growing individuals. If everyone is pushing to be better, then the marriage will be better, too.
When the OFW eventually returns home, consider using this time to do a complete reset. Re-evaluate goals and set new goals with each other. Learn how to work as a team in fulfilling those goals in the next chapter of your marriage. Be patient with each other in terms of getting to know each other. There may be new habits, mannerisms or attitudes that each party has developed while there were separate. It would be good to rediscover each other again and embrace all the changes that has happened.
Embrace the Support Networks
Connect with other OFWs and their families. These support networks offer a community feeling and allow you to share advice and experiences. Many organizations help OFWs and their family cope with the difficulties of working away from home. Share advice with other OFWs on successful coping mechanisms, insights, resources and best practices in keeping the marriage strong and healthy over the long term.
FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions)
Q: How often should we communicate while I’m working abroad?
A: There’s no magic number, but daily communication is ideal. Even a short text or call can make a big difference. It’s more about the quality of the communication than the quantity. Be sure to also establish a routine where you actually speak to each other often. Set a time that is common for both of you.
Q: What if we argue frequently over the phone?
A: If arguments become frequent, take a step back and assess what’s triggering them. Are you both tired or stressed? Try to address the underlying issues instead of getting caught up in the heat of the moment. Sometimes arguments happen because both of you are still adjusting to changes happening in the background. Remember to give each other a break.
Q: How can we keep the romance alive when we’re apart?
A: Get creative! Send each other love letters, care packages, or surprise gifts. Plan virtual date nights. Talk about your shared dreams and passions. Don’t let the physical distance extinguish the spark.
Q: My family keeps asking for more money than I can afford. What should I do?
A: Have an open and honest conversation with your family about your financial limitations. Explain your budget and priorities. Don’t be afraid to say no. Remember, your marriage and your own well-being come first.
Q: I feel lonely and resentful of my spouse working abroad. How can I cope?
A: Acknowledge your feelings and find healthy ways to cope. Build a strong support system, pursue your hobbies, and seek professional help if needed. Remember, your spouse is working abroad for the benefit of your family. Try to focus on the bigger picture.
Q: What are some red flags that my marriage is in trouble?
A: Some red flags include a significant decrease in communication, frequent arguments, increased secrecy, and emotional or physical distance. If you notice these signs, seek professional help immediately.
Q: How do we prepare for returning home for good?
A: Start planning well in advance. Discuss your expectations and goals for the future. Research job opportunities, housing, and education for your children. Create a budget and savings plan. Most importantly, communicate openly and honestly with each other about your fears and concerns.
References
Philippine Statistics Authority (PSA)
Psychology Today
Your journey as an OFW couple is unique, and you can build a strong, fulfilling marriage even across the miles. It just takes consistent effort, open communication, and a unwavering commitment to each other. But now, what are you waiting for? Take the first step today! Schedule a heartfelt conversation with your spouse, and start using these practical tips to strengthen your marriage!
