Being an OFW (Overseas Filipino Worker) is tough. You’re working hard far away from your kids, and you naturally worry about keeping that special bond strong. The key is to build trust and create a secure attachment, even when you can’t be there physically. It’s totally possible, and this article is here to guide you through it.
Understanding Secure Attachment
Think of secure attachment like a cozy, safe feeling your kids have when they know you’re there for them, even if you’re not in the same room. It’s that feeling of “I can count on Mom/Dad.” A child with secure attachment feels safe to explore their world, knowing they have a reliable base to come back to. They’re better at handling stress, have healthier relationships later in life, and generally feel more confident. It’s a huge deal!
Attachment isn’t about spoiling your kids. It’s about being responsive to their needs – both physical and emotional. It’s about being a consistent and predictable caregiver. When a baby cries, and you respond quickly and lovingly, you’re building attachment. As they get older, it’s about being there to listen when they’re upset or celebrate their wins, even if it’s over a video call.
Why Secure Attachment Matters for OFW Kids
Kids of OFWs face a unique challenge. One of their primary caregivers is physically absent. This absence can create anxiety and insecurity. They might wonder if you’ll come back, or if you still care for them. Building a secure attachment helps them cope with this separation. It reassures them that your love is constant, even across the miles. It shows them they are still important and loved, even when you are not physically around.
Without a secure attachment, children might become clingy, anxious, or withdrawn. They might have trouble trusting others or regulating their emotions. Some studies suggest that children experiencing prolonged separation from parents may face challenges in their socio-emotional development. The good news is, even with distance, you can still foster that secure base.
Strategies to Build Trust From Afar
Okay, let’s get to the practical stuff. Here’s how you can actively build trust and secure attachment with your kids, even from thousands of miles away:
Consistent Communication is Key
This might seem obvious, but consistency is crucial. Don’t just call when you have free time; schedule regular video calls. Make it a routine. Kids thrive on predictability. Whether it’s every Tuesday and Thursday evening, or every morning before school, stick to the schedule as much as possible. Life happens, of course, but try your best to keep those promises.
During these calls, really focus on your child. Put away your phone, turn off the TV, and give them your full attention. Ask about their day, their friends, their worries, and their joys. Listen actively. Show them you’re genuinely interested in their lives. A simple “Wow, that sounds like a tough test! How did you feel about it?” shows you’re listening and care. Sometimes, sharing details about your own day – even the mundane stuff – can help them feel more connected to you. It shows them you’re a real person with a real life, not just someone who appears on a screen.
Beyond video calls, consider other channels for communication. A quick text message during their lunchtime, a voice recording of you singing their favorite song, or a handwritten letter (yes, snail mail!) can all make a big difference. These little reminders show them you’re thinking of them even when you’re not talking to them directly.
Quality Time, Not Just Quantity
It’s tempting to feel pressured to call all the time, but sometimes quality is better than quantity. A 15-minute phone call where you’re fully present and engaged is far more valuable than an hour-long call where you’re distracted by work or household chores. Plan activities you can do together, even virtually.
Read a book aloud together over video call. Watch a movie “together” by starting it at the same time and chatting about it during breaks. Play online games together. Even something as simple as cooking the same recipe and comparing results can be a fun way to connect. The key is to find activities that you both enjoy and that allow for interaction and connection. Remember, it’s not just about being present, but about being engaged.
Be Emotionally Available, Even From Afar
Children need to know they can come to you with their feelings, whether they’re happy, sad, angry, or scared. Even though you’re not physically there, you can still provide emotional support. When they share something upsetting, resist the urge to immediately offer solutions or minimize their feelings. Instead, listen empathetically. Acknowledge their emotions. Say things like, “That sounds really frustrating” or “I can see why you’re upset.” This validated their feelings and helps them feel understood.
It’s also important to be open and honest about your own feelings. Let them know that you miss them and that being away is hard for you too. This shows them that you’re human and that it’s okay to express emotions. However, be mindful not to burden them with your own stress. Focus on sharing your feelings without making them feel responsible for fixing them. For example, instead of saying “I’m so stressed at work and I miss you so much,” try saying “I had a tough day at work, but thinking about you made me smile.”
Maintain a Connection Through Shared Memories
Shared memories are a powerful way to create a sense of connection and belonging. Talk about past experiences with your children. Reminisce about fun vacations, funny family moments, or special traditions. Look at old photos and videos together during video calls. These activities help them feel connected to their family history and reinforce the idea that you’re still part of their lives.
You can also create new shared memories, even from afar. Send postcards or small gifts related to your current location. Tell them stories about your experiences abroad. Share pictures of the food you’re eating, the places you’re visiting, and the people you’re meeting. This helps them feel like they’re part of your journey and keeps you present in their minds. You can even start a shared journal where you each write about your daily lives and send it back and forth.
Empower the Caregiver at Home
The person caring for your children in your absence – whether it’s your spouse, parents, or another relative – is your most important ally. Support them. Trust them. Communicate with them regularly about your children’s needs and concerns. Avoid undermining their authority or creating conflict between them and your children. A united front is essential for maintaining stability and security in your children’s lives.
Ask the caregiver how you can help. Maybe they need help with school projects, doctor’s appointments, or extracurricular activities. Offer to handle some of these tasks remotely, if possible. You can also provide emotional support to the caregiver. Acknowledge their hard work, offer words of encouragement, and listen to their concerns. Remember, they’re also feeling the stress of your absence, and your support can make a big difference.
Send Meaningful Gifts
Gifts aren’t a replacement for your presence, but they can be a tangible reminder of your love and affection. Choose gifts that are meaningful and personalized. A book you read together over video call, a piece of clothing with your picture on it, or a small memento from your current location can all be powerful symbols of your connection.
Avoid sending expensive gifts that might create unrealistic expectations or make your children feel materialistic. Focus on gifts that are thoughtful and practical. A handwritten card, a framed photo, or a small handmade item can often be more meaningful than a store-bought present. The intention behind the gift is what truly matters.
Address Separation Anxiety Directly
It’s completely normal for children to experience separation anxiety when a parent is away. Don’t dismiss their feelings. Acknowledge their anxiety and reassure them that it’s okay to feel that way. Talk to them about your return date and make sure they understand when you’ll be back. Create a countdown calendar or a visual schedule to help them track the time. This will help them feel more prepared and less anxious about the separation.
Teach your children coping strategies for managing their anxiety. Deep breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, or visualization techniques can all be helpful. You can even practice these techniques together during video calls. If their anxiety is severe or persistent, consider seeking professional help. A therapist or counselor can provide additional support and guidance.
Celebrate Milestones, Even From Afar
Make sure you’re present for important milestones in your children’s lives, even if it’s virtually. Attend school events via video call, send congratulatory messages, and celebrate birthdays and holidays with them. You can even plan a special family celebration for your return. These celebrations reinforce the idea that you’re still a part of their lives and that their accomplishments are important to you.
Don’t let time zone differences prevent you from being involved. If you can’t attend an event live, ask someone to record it for you or review pictures and videos with your child. You can also send cards, gifts, or flowers to celebrate their achievements. The key is to make sure they know you’re thinking of them and that you’re proud of them, even when you can’t be there in person.
Be Patient and Understanding
Building trust and secure attachment takes time, especially when you’re dealing with the challenges of separation. There will be good days and bad days. There will be times when your children are happy and connected, and times when they’re sad and withdrawn. Be patient and understanding. Don’t give up. Your consistent effort and unwavering love will make a difference in the long run.
Remember, you’re not perfect. You’ll make mistakes. You’ll miss deadlines. You’ll have days when you’re too tired or stressed to give your children your full attention. That’s okay. Forgive yourself. Learn from your mistakes. And keep trying. Your children will appreciate your effort and your love, even if they don’t always show it.
Real-World Example
Let’s look at Maria, an OFW working as a nurse in Saudi Arabia. Her two children, ages 8 and 10, live with their grandmother in the Philippines. Maria makes it a point to video call them every evening at 7 PM Philippine time, without fail. During these calls, she doesn’t just ask about their schoolwork; she asks about their favorite games, their friends, and their dreams. She also shares stories about her patients and colleagues, making them feel like they’re part of her world. She sings lullabies that she used to sing when they were younger. She also reads to them online. Even with a demanding work schedule, Maria finds the time to send personalized postcards and small gifts. Her children always have reminders of her love and presence. When she returns home for her annual vacation, Maria makes sure to prioritize quality time with her children. She plans special outings and activities that they all enjoy. She actively listens to their concerns and offers them emotional support. Maria’s consistent effort to stay connected with her children has helped them develop a secure attachment, despite the distance.
Avoiding Common Pitfalls
It’s easy to make mistakes when you’re trying to build a secure attachment from afar. Here are some common pitfalls to avoid:
- Overcompensating with gifts: While thoughtful gifts can be meaningful, relying solely on material possessions to show your love can be detrimental. Focus on emotional connection and quality time instead.
- Making Empty Promises: Don’t promise things you can’t deliver. Broken promises can erode trust and make your children feel disappointed and abandoned.
- Being Inconsistent: Consistency is key to building secure attachment. Make sure your communication and emotional support are reliable and predictable.
- Ignoring the Caregiver’s Needs: Supporting the caregiver at home is essential for maintaining stability and security in your children’s lives. Neglecting the caregiver’s needs can create tension and conflict.
- Not addressing children’s feelings: Dismissing their emotion is not what kids look for. Validate, empathize and acknowledge.
FAQ Section
Here are some frequently asked questions about building trust from afar:
How often should I contact my kids?
There’s no magic number, but regular and predictable communication is important. Daily contact is ideal, even if it’s just a quick text message or a short video call. Focus on quality over quantity. A short, engaged conversation is more valuable than a long, distracted one.
What if my kids don’t want to talk to me?
Don’t take it personally. Children’s moods and interests change. Respect their boundaries. Offer to connect at a different time or in a different way. You can also try engaging them in activities they enjoy, such as playing a game or watching a video together.
How do I deal with jealousy from my kids?
Jealousy is a normal reaction to separation. Acknowledge their feelings and reassure them that you love them. Explain that your work is important for your family’s well-being, but that you miss them and look forward to seeing them again. Spend individual time with each child to make them feel special and loved.
What if I can’t afford video calls?
There are many free or low-cost communication options available. Use messaging apps, email, or social media to stay in touch. Send handwritten letters or postcards. Even a simple phone call can make a big difference.
How do I rebuild trust after a mistake?
Everyone makes mistakes. Apologize sincerely and take responsibility for your actions. Explain what you’ll do differently in the future. Be patient and consistent in your efforts to rebuild trust. It takes time, but it’s possible.
References
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 1: Attachment.
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation.
Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (Eds.). (2016). Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (3rd ed.).
Instead of concluding on these building trust tips, why not start now? Schedule that video call. Send that text. Write that letter. Your effort to bridge the physical distance and nurture secure attachment will create lasting positive impacts for your children. The best time to start building those secure bonds is today. Call them now!
