Coming home after working overseas as an OFW is a huge moment, filled with excitement, relief, and maybe even a little bit of worry. You’re back with your family, but things likely aren’t exactly the way you left them. It’s time to build a ‘new normal’ – a way of living that respects the changes everyone has gone through during your time apart.
Understanding the Changes
First, let’s acknowledge that things have changed. Your spouse has been managing the household, finances, and kids solo. They’ve developed their own routines and ways of doing things. The kids have grown older, their personalities have evolved, and they’ve become accustomed to a certain level of independence. You, too, have changed. You’ve gained new experiences, learned new skills, and perhaps even developed new perspectives. Ignoring these changes will only lead to friction.
It’s like trying to put a puzzle back together after someone rearranged the pieces. You can’t just force them to fit—you need to see the new picture and find the right places for everything.
Communication is Key (Seriously!)
Okay, so you’ve heard this a million times, but seriously, communication is the absolute foundation of a successful blended family life after OFW deployment. And it’s not just about talking; it’s about active listening, empathy, and understanding. Before jumping in and trying to take control, sit down with your spouse and have an open conversation. Ask them about their experiences, their challenges, and their successes while you were away. Listen without judgment and try to understand their perspective. It might be helpful to recall how you communicated while working abroad. Did the frequent phone calls or video chats help bridge the distance? Perhaps those strategies can be adapted to fit the “new normal,” although in-person conversations certainly hold more weight and nuance.
For example, instead of saying, “Why are the kids staying up so late? That wasn’t allowed before!”, try saying, “I noticed the kids are staying up later now. What changed?”. Then, listen to the answer and work together to find a solution that works for everyone.
Re-Establishing Roles and Responsibilities
During your time away, your spouse likely took on most of the household responsibilities. Now that you’re back, it’s time to renegotiate these roles. Don’t assume that you automatically take over everything; instead, discuss how you can share the load and support each other. Maybe you take on more of the chores around the house, or perhaps you focus on helping the kids with their homework. Perhaps your spouse found great satisfaction in handling the family finances. Figure out a division of responsibilities that makes both of you feel valued and respected.
Think of it as forming a new partnership. You are now both present, so utilize both your strengths and allocate tasks fairly. For instance, if your spouse has become comfortable managing the budget, perhaps you can take over car maintenance or yard work. Be open to compromise and remember that the goal is to create a balanced and supportive environment.
Spending Quality Time Together
It’s not enough just to be physically present; you need to be emotionally present as well. Put down your phone, turn off the TV, and dedicate some time each day to connect with your family. This could be as simple as having dinner together, playing a game, or going for a walk. The key is to be fully engaged and focus on building stronger relationships with your spouse and children.
Consider creating new family traditions or reviving old ones. Maybe you used to have a weekly movie night before you left. Reinstate it. Maybe plan a family outing once a month. These shared experiences help create lasting memories and strengthen the bond between family members. According to research, families who eat together regularly tend to have better communication and stronger relationships (reference: National Institutes of Health study on family meals). Make an effort to prioritize these moments. Even 15-30 minutes a day can make a world of difference.
Addressing Challenges with Children
Your children may have mixed feelings about your return. They may be excited to have you back, but they may also be resistant to change or worried about disrupting the established family dynamic. Be patient and understanding. Acknowledge their feelings and give them time to adjust. It is crucial to avoid over-indulging your children. It might be tempting to buy them everything they want, but this can backfire and create unrealistic expectations. Instead, focus on showing them your love and care through quality time and meaningful interactions. Talk to them about how they felt during your employment. They might have been angry or sad. Assure them that you’re home to stay this time.
If you notice that your children are acting out or displaying behavioral changes, don’t dismiss it. Try to understand the underlying reasons for their behavior. Maybe they’re feeling insecure about your presence or struggling to adjust to the new family dynamics. You can try using tools to assess the child’s learning and emotional development. The local DSWD might have some recommendations on where to get assessments. Communicate with them and be there to support them. If necessary, consult with a child psychologist or counselor for guidance.
Financial Planning and Management
One of the primary reasons many Filipinos work overseas is to provide financial security for their families. Now that you’re back, it’s time to reassess your financial goals and create a plan for the future. You and your partner need to sit down and openly discuss your finances. What are your long-term goals? Do you want to buy a house, invest in your children’s education, or start a business? Create a budget and stick to it. Monitor your spending and avoid unnecessary expenses. If you need help, consider consulting a financial advisor.
Avoid the temptation to splurge on lavish purchases. Spending your savings wisely to secure your family’s future will benefit you more in the long run. The Commission on Filipinos Overseas (CFO) offers programs and resources to help OFWs manage their finances effectively. Take advantage of these resources to ensure that your hard-earned money is used wisely.
Dealing with Expectations
Everyone has expectations, both for themselves and for others. Your spouse may expect you to immediately take over certain responsibilities, while you may expect them to be grateful for your return. It’s unrealistic to assume that everyone will be on the same page from the start. It’s crucial to manage expectations by communicating openly and honestly. Be clear about what you can and cannot do, and be willing to compromise. Some families expect the OFW spouse to stay inside the house 24/7. Make sure that both parties understand what is possible and what the other needs.
Remember that building a new normal takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and with your family. There will be bumps along the way, but as long as you’re willing to communicate, compromise, and support each other, you can overcome any challenges. Do not pressure yourself or your spouse. Accept what is and move forward.
Taking Care of Yourself
It’s easy to get caught up in taking care of your family and forget about your own needs. Your mental and physical health are essential for adjusting back to your home. You’re going to be very busy catching up with your family and life back home. It’s easy to neglect your own needs, so prioritize yourself by exercising, eating healthy food, and getting enough sleep. If you’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or anxious, seek help from a therapist or counselor. If you haven’t already, find a doctor you visit regularly. You want to address any health or mental concerns early to prevent any complications in the future.
Join support groups or online communities where you can connect with other returning OFWs and share your experiences. Remember, you’re not alone. Many people have gone through similar challenges and successes. You can find support from your peers for your mental and physical health.
Forgiveness and Letting Go
It’s likely that there will be hurt feelings and past grievances that need to be addressed. Maybe your spouse feels like you missed out on important milestones in your children’s lives. Maybe you feel like they didn’t appreciate the sacrifices you made while working overseas. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings and work together to forgive each other. Holding onto resentment will only create more tension and conflict.
Remember that everyone makes mistakes. Focus on moving forward and building a stronger future together. Seek help from a marriage counselor if you’re struggling to forgive each other or resolve past conflicts. Marriage or Couples counseling offers opportunities to talk about your experiences and emotions with a neutral third party. If you are experiencing marital challenges that are impacting your ability to co-parent effectively, counseling is often an important resource to help mediate conflicts. It can help you improve communication patterns, teach conflict resolution skills, and build collaboration to improve the care of your children.
Continuous Learning and Adaptation
The world is constantly changing, and so is your family. Be open to learning and adapting to new circumstances. Maybe your children develop new interests or your spouse decides to pursue a new career. Be supportive and encourage each other to grow and evolve.
Attend parenting workshops, read books on relationships, and stay informed about current trends. The more you learn, the better equipped you’ll be to navigate the challenges of blended family life. Look for support groups in your area to learn from other experts and families to continue your learning.
Celebrating Successes
It is easy to focus on the challenges and forget to celebrate the successes. Acknowledge the progress you’ve made in rebuilding your family life. Recognize the strengths of each family member and appreciate the unique contributions they make.
Plan regular celebrations, whether it’s a family dinner, a weekend getaway, or a simple “thank you” note. Acknowledge efforts and highlight accomplishments. Expressing gratitude and acknowledging positive experiences will give your family a strong sense of accomplishment and togetherness. Keep a visible record of your family’s milestone–perhaps a memory box or a scrapbook of photos and events.
Seeking Professional Guidance
If you’re struggling to navigate the challenges of creating a new normal for your family, don’t hesitate to seek professional guidance. A therapist, counselor, or family mediator can provide you with support, tools, and strategies to overcome obstacles and build stronger relationships.
Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. It shows that you’re committed to building a healthy and happy family life. Local community centers and non-profit organizations often offer free or low-cost counseling services. Explore these resources if you’re unable to afford private therapy. You can also seek online support groups. These services can often offer convenience and affordability.
Being Patient and Persistent
Building a new normal takes time, effort, and commitment. There will be ups and downs, good days and bad days. The important thing is to be patient, persistent, and to stay focused on your goals. Remember why you chose to work overseas in the first place: to provide a better future for your family. And now, you’re back to see that future come to life.
Don’t give up on your family, even when things get tough. Stay committed to building strong relationships, communicating openly, and supporting each other through thick and thin. With patience, persistence, and a lot of love, you can create a new normal that’s even better than the old one.
FAQ
Q: How can I deal with feeling like an outsider in my own family after being away for so long?
A: It’s completely normal to feel like an outsider when you first return. It takes time to rebuild connections and integrate back into the family dynamic. Focus on actively participating in family activities, engaging in conversations, and showing genuine interest in your loved ones’ lives. Be patient with yourself and give your family time to adjust as well.
Q: My spouse has become very independent while I was away. How do I regain my role as a partner?
A: Acknowledge that your spouse had to take on many responsibilities in your absence. Now that you’re back, have an open conversation about how you can share the load and support each other. Instead of taking over, work together to redefine your roles and responsibilities. Respect their independence and expertise, and find ways to contribute that complement their strengths.
Q: My kids have changed a lot while I was away. How do I reconnect with them and understand their new interests?
A: Show genuine interest in their new hobbies, friends, and activities. Ask open-ended questions, listen attentively, and spend quality time with them doing things they enjoy. Consider their perspective and be patient as they adjust to your presence in their lives. Try to understand what they care about now and share your experiences with them. This strengthens your bond and creates shared experiences.
Q: How do I address financial differences or disagreements with my spouse after returning home?
A: Open and honest communication is crucial. Sit down together and discuss your financial goals, budget, and spending habits. Listen to each other’s concerns and find common ground. If necessary, seek guidance from a financial advisor to help you create a plan that works for both of you. Do research on investment tips or financial tips.
Q: I feel overwhelmed with all the responsibilities of being back home. How can I manage my stress and take care of myself?
A: Prioritize self-care activities, such as exercise, healthy eating, and getting enough sleep. Schedule time for relaxation and hobbies that you enjoy. Don’t hesitate to ask for help from your spouse, family members, or friends. Consider joining a support group for returning OFWs to connect with others who understand what you’re going through. Talk to a professional if your stress and mental health concerns persist.
Q: What if there was an infidelity while I’m working abroad?
A: Marital affairs can be sensitive and hurtful. Communication is key. Both parties should be willing to be vulnerable and accept the consequences of their actions. Be professional in dealing with the affair. You might need the help of a professional therapist or psychiatrist for these cases. Consider all factors and be wise on your next decisions.
References
National Institutes of Health, “The Importance of Family Meals”, PMC6843614
Commission on Filipinos Overseas (CFO), Official Website
Remember, building a ‘new normal’ for your family after OFW deployment takes time, effort, and a lot of love. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, celebrate your successes, and keep moving forward, one step at a time. Start today. Talk to your spouse. Plan a family activity. Make a change, however small, towards creating a stronger, happier future together. You’ve worked hard for this, so embrace it and build the family life you’ve always dreamed of!
