Coming home after being an Overseas Filipino Worker (OFW) is a big deal, especially when it comes to your kids. You’ve worked hard to provide for them, but being away can create a gap. This article will guide you on how to bridge that gap and rebuild your relationship with your children.
The Challenges of Returning Home
Being an OFW means making huge sacrifices, and one of the biggest is missing out on your children’s lives. You miss birthdays, school plays, and those everyday moments that shape who they are. When you come home, things might feel different. Your kids might be older, more independent, or even a little distant. According to a study on the effects of parental migration on Filipino children, there can be emotional and behavioral challenges for children left behind. It’s important to acknowledge these changes and be prepared to adapt.
One common problem is the change in family dynamics. While you were away, your spouse or another family member took on the role of primary caregiver. They made decisions, set rules, and became the go-to person for your children. Suddenly, you’re back, and everyone has to adjust. This can lead to confusion, resentment, and even conflict. For example, your child might be used to getting their way with their grandparents, and suddenly you’re setting stricter rules. Or your spouse might feel like you’re undermining their authority. Communication is key to navigating these challenges.
Another hurdle is dealing with your own feelings of guilt and sadness. You might feel guilty for missing out on your children’s lives or sad about the distance that has grown between you. It’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to make up for lost time by showering your kids with gifts or being overly permissive. While well-intentioned, this can actually be harmful. It can create a sense of entitlement in your children and make it harder for them to respect your authority.
Rebuilding the Connection: Small Steps, Big Impact
Reconnecting with your children after being an OFW is a journey, not a sprint. It takes time, patience, and a genuine effort to understand their needs and perspectives. Here are some practical steps you can take:
Start with Listening: The first thing you need to do is listen. Really listen. Find out what’s been happening in their lives, what their interests are, and what their concerns are. Ask open-ended questions like, “What’s your favorite thing about school?” or “What are you most excited about this summer?”. Avoid interrupting or judging their answers. Just listen and show them that you care about what they have to say.
Spend Quality Time: It’s not just about being present; it’s about being present with them. Put away your phone, turn off the TV, and focus on your child. Engage in activities that they enjoy, whether it’s playing video games, going for a walk, or baking a cake together. The important thing is to be fully present and engaged. Even short bursts of quality time, like reading a bedtime story, can make a big difference.
Show Genuine Interest: Go beyond the surface. If your child is interested in sports, attend their games and cheer them on. If they’re passionate about art, visit a museum together or take an art class. Showing genuine interest in their passions will demonstrate that you truly care about them and their interests. Don’t just ask about their hobbies; actively participate in them.
Establish Routines: Routines provide a sense of stability and predictability, which can be especially important for children who have experienced inconsistent parenting due to your absence. Establish regular meal times, bedtimes, and homework routines. This will help create a sense of normalcy and security in their lives. For example, make it a habit to eat dinner together as a family every night. Or read a bedtime story together every night before they go to sleep.
Be Consistent with Discipline: Consistency is key when it comes to discipline. When you set rules, enforce them consistently. This doesn’t mean being overly strict or punitive. It simply means being fair and consistent in your expectations. Communicate your expectations clearly and explain the consequences of breaking the rules. For example, if you say that they’re not allowed to use their phone during dinner, stick to that rule. This will help them understand that you mean what you say and that you’re fair.
Show Affection: Don’t underestimate the power of physical affection. Hugs, kisses, and pats on the back can go a long way in strengthening your bond with your children. Tell them that you love them and that you’re proud of them. These simple gestures of affection can make them feel loved, valued, and secure. Even if your child is older, they still need to know that you love them.
Communicating Effectively: Bridging the Distance
Communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship, and it’s especially important when you’re trying to reconnect with your children after being an OFW. Here are some tips for communicating effectively:
Be Open and Honest: Talk to your children about your experiences as an OFW. Explain why you had to leave and what you did while you were away. Be honest about the challenges you faced and the sacrifices you made. This will help them understand your perspective and appreciate the sacrifices you made for them. Be careful to tailor the information to their age level. Don’t overwhelm them with details that they’re not ready to handle.
Listen Without Judgment: Create a safe space where your children feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. Avoid interrupting or criticizing them. Just listen and try to understand their perspective. Even if you don’t agree with what they’re saying, respect their feelings. This will help them feel heard and valued.
Use “I” Statements: When expressing your feelings, use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, instead of saying “You never listen to me,” say “I feel frustrated when I don’t feel like I’m being heard.” This will help you communicate your feelings without blaming or accusing your children.
Be Patient: Rebuilding a relationship takes time. Don’t expect things to change overnight. Be patient and persistent. Keep showing up, keep listening, and keep communicating. Over time, your children will see that you’re genuinely committed to building a stronger relationship with them.
Learn Their Love Language: Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages framework can be invaluable. Do they feel most loved through words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, or physical touch? Understanding this can help you express your love in a way that resonates with them.
Dealing with Specific Age Groups
The approach to reconnecting with your children will vary depending on their age. Here’s a brief overview:
Young Children (Ages 3-7): Young children may have difficulty understanding why you were away. Focus on creating positive experiences and building trust through play and physical affection. Read them stories, play games with them, and give them lots of hugs and kisses. They may be insecure, so provide constant reassurance that you love them and that you are not leaving again.. Spend extra one-on-one time with each child to build trust and security.
School-Aged Children (Ages 8-12): School-aged children may be more aware of the sacrifices you made, but they may also harbor resentment or anger. Encourage open communication and validate their feelings. Involve them in family decisions and show them that you value their opinions. Try to create a shared hobby or interest. This age group is often deeply affected by the absence of a parent, which may manifest from being less cooperative to being angry.. Work with their teachers to address any behavioral or academic issues.
Teenagers (Ages 13-19): Teenagers may be more independent and less willing to open up. Respect their boundaries and avoid pushing them to talk if they’re not ready. Focus on building trust and showing them that you’re there for them when they need you. Support their goals and aspirations. Understand that they can be quite sensitive and they will likely need time to adapt—avoid expecting too much too soon.. As they mature, they will likely appreciate your sacrifices, so just be patient and provide them with a safe space to express themselves without judgment.
Financial Matters: Balancing Support and Responsibility
One of the reasons you worked abroad was to provide financial support for your family. Now that you’re back, it’s important to have a plan for managing your finances responsibly.
Create a Budget: Work with your spouse to create a budget that reflects your current income and expenses. This will help you track your spending and identify areas where you can save money. A solid budget helps prevent miscommunication or disagreements about money, particularly when you are not earning an income.
Teach Your Children About Money: Involve your children in discussions about money and teach them the value of saving and spending wisely. This will help them understand the sacrifices you made and appreciate the resources you provide for them. For older kids, involve them in shopping activities and comparing prices.
Avoid Overspending: It’s tempting to shower your children with gifts to make up for lost time, but this can create a sense of entitlement and financial instability. Instead, focus on providing them with the necessities and experiences that will help them grow and develop.
Plan for the Future: Start saving for your children’s education, retirement, and other long-term goals. This will help ensure that they have a bright future and that you’re prepared for any unexpected expenses. Consider getting financial advising to guide you in smart investments.
Seeking Support: You’re Not Alone
Reintegrating into family life after being an OFW can be challenging. Don’t hesitate to seek support from your spouse, family, friends, or a professional counselor. Remember: there’s no shame in admitting that you need help.
Talk to Your Spouse: Your spouse is your partner in this journey. Communicate openly and honestly with them about your challenges and concerns. Work together to find solutions and support each other.
Connect with Other OFWs: Connecting with other OFWs who have gone through similar experiences can be incredibly helpful. Share your stories, exchange tips, and offer each other support. There are many online communities and support groups for OFWs.
Consider Family Counseling: A family counselor can help you and your family navigate the challenges of reintegration. They can provide guidance, support, and tools to improve communication and strengthen your relationships. Especially if there were instances of infidelity or abuse during your time away, a professional counselor is needed to help process the incident.
Maintaining a Healthy Marriage During and After OFW Life
Being an OFW puts immense strain on a marriage. Returning home requires rebuilding not only your relationship with your children but also with your spouse. Prioritize your marriage alongside parenting. Date nights, open communication, and shared responsibilities are vital. Remember why you fell in love originally and nurture that bond.
Continue to show your love and appreciation through actions and words. Express gratitude for your spouse’s sacrifices while you were away and reaffirm your commitment to the marriage now that you’re home. Reconnect on an intimate level, both emotionally and physically, to create a sense of closeness and desire. Remember, your children will benefit from a positive and loving parental relationship.
Staying Involved Even When You’re Away
Sometimes, circumstances mean going back to work overseas is inevitable, even after returning home. If this is the case, staying connected to your children during your absence is crucial. Here’s how:
Regular Video Calls: Schedule regular video calls to stay in touch. Set aside specific times each week when you can talk to your kids and see their faces. Video calls allow you to read their expressions and engage in more meaningful interactions than just phone calls. It also prevents feelings of abandonment on your children’s part.
Use Technology to Share Moments: Send photos and videos of what you’re doing to share parts of your life with your children. Ask them to do the same. Share recipes, memes, and anything that you can both relate to. Consider building an online space where the kids can access old pictures—you can also send these via email.
Plan for Visits: If possible, plan for regular visits home. Even short trips can make a big difference in maintaining your connection with your children. If you know exactly when you are coming home, they have something to look forward to—and so give them consistency and security.
The Long-Term Benefits of Effort
Reclaiming your role as a parent after being an OFW is not easy. It takes time, effort, and a willingness to adapt and grow. But the rewards are immeasurable. By investing in your relationships with your children, you’re not just giving them a better future, you’re also enriching your own life.
The benefits of a strong parent-child relationship include improved mental health, increased self-esteem, and better academic performance. Children who feel loved and supported are more likely to thrive in all areas of their lives. Moreover, you’ll experience the fulfillment of being a present and involved parent. You will not only see your children grow but also be able to help shape their dreams.
FAQ Section
Q: How do I deal with the guilt of being away for so long?
A: It’s normal to feel guilty about missing out on your children’s lives. Acknowledge those feelings, but don’t let them consume you. Focus on what you can do now to rebuild your relationship with your children. Talk to a counselor if needed. Remember that you did what you did to provide for your family, and that is a noble thing.
Q: My child seems distant and uninterested in me. What should I do?
A: Be patient and persistent. Don’t take their distance personally. Keep showing up, keep listening, and keep offering your love and support. It may take time for them to open up, but eventually, they will see that you’re genuinely committed to building a relationship with them—as long as you follow through.
Q: My spouse and I are having trouble adjusting to my return. What can we do?
A: Communication is key. Talk to your spouse openly and honestly about your challenges and concerns. Consider couples counseling to help you navigate these challenges and strengthen your relationship. Set clear boundaries and respect each other’s roles and responsibilities.
Q: How do I handle disagreements with my children about rules and discipline?
A: Be consistent with your discipline and enforce rules fairly. Explain the reasons behind your rules and listen to your children’s perspectives. Avoid getting into power struggles. Instead, work together to find solutions that everyone can agree on. Remember that you have the last say and the responsibility to provide for them, but this does not mean they cannot provide their feedback.
Q: What if I have to go back to work abroad again?
A: If returning to work abroad is inevitable, make sure you are fully open to your children. Explain to them clearly why you need to go back, and then create an opportunity for them to express whatever they feel. Establish a routine of regular video calls and communication. Plan for visits home if possible. Make the most of the time you do have together. It will also help calm the waters if you leave something of yours that the children can remember you by.
Q: Should I financially compensate my family for the time I have been away?
A: Your intention should always be to provide for your family, and this can be done through various means. While it may feel right to “compensate” at first, focus instead on what you can do as a family—experiences and growth. You don’t necessarily need to spend money as you compensate; quality time, support, and quality parental guidance are forms of compensation as well. Ensure there are no unresolved trauma and hurt feelings and you can move forward as a close-knit family.
Q: How can I create a balance between being strict as a parent and understanding with my children nowadays?
A: It is a tight rope to walk being a strict yet understanding parent. The key is being open and willing to listen to your children, allowing them to explain their side and show that you respect them. This does not mean you need to agree with everything, it’s that openness that can allow for mutual understanding. When you set boundaries and consequences, do it with compassion and care. Show that you’re coming from a place of love and concern, not just trying to control them.
Q: Now I am at home with my family, how can I cope with the feeling that I don’t belong?
A: Feelings of displacement can be overwhelming when you’re back home. The best way to cope with this is to start small. Get back into your routine—hobbies that you enjoy, activities you do with your children, etc. Don’t rush to fix everything all at once. Talk to your family and let them know how you are feeling and allow them the opportunity to express themselves too. If you encounter problems that are too hurtful to say, consider family counseling. Remember that everyone should transition and grow together.
References:
Scalabrini Migration Center. (2006). Migration and the Filipino Family.
Parreñas, R. S. (2005). Children of global migration: Transnational families and gendered woes.
Asis, M. M. B. (2006). Living with migration: Experiences of left-behind children in the Philippines.
Chapman, G. (1992). The Five Love Languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate.
You’ve taken the first step by reading this article. Now, take the next one. Put down your phone, go find your child, and ask them about their day. Start small, stay consistent, and remember that a little effort goes a long way. Your children deserve your presence, and you deserve the joy of being a part of their lives. If you’re ready to start building a stronger and more meaningful relationship with your children, start today. Your presence is the greatest gift you can give.
