As an Overseas Filipino Worker (OFW), dealing with the grief of losing a loved one back home comes with its own unique set of challenges because you are far away from your family and home country. This article aims to provide practical guidance and support to OFW’s navigating through this difficult time.
The Unique Pain of Grieving From Afar
Being an OFW means you’ve already made sacrifices. You’ve left behind your family and friends in hope of a better future. But when grief strikes, this distance feels like a heavy weight. It’s not just about missing the funeral, it’s about missing the small moments of comfort that family provides during times of sorrow. You’re not able to physically hug your mother, share stories with your siblings, or simply be present to support your loved ones. This physical separation can intensify feelings of guilt, helplessness, and isolation.
Imagine this: Maria is working as a nurse in Canada. She receives a phone call in the middle of the night that her father suddenly passed away. The shock hits her hard. She wants to be there for her family, to comfort her mother and siblings, but the cost of a last-minute flight is high, and she also worry about how quickly she can arrange leave from her work. The distance feels like an insurmountable obstacle, adding to her already overwhelming grief.
Understanding Grief: It’s OK to Not Be OK
Grief isn’t a straightforward process. There’s no timeline, no right or wrong way to feel. You might experience a range of emotions, from sadness and anger to confusion and disbelief. You might also feel numbness or detachment. These feelings are all normal. Accept that you’re grieving and that it’s okay to not be okay. Denying your emotions will only make the healing process more difficult.
According to the stages of grief model developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, grief can involve five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While these stages aren’t always linear, understanding them can help you recognize and validate your emotions.
It’s also important to acknowledge the cultural aspects of grief. In the Philippines, wakes and funerals are typically large, communal events. Being unable to participate in these traditions can be particularly painful for OFWs. You might feel like you’re missing out on a vital part of the grieving process and unable to properly say goodbye.
Practical Steps to Take When Loss Occurs
When you receive the news of a loss, it’s important to take certain immediate steps to support your family and manage your own situation.
Communicate with your family: Make sure you’re in regular contact with your family back home. Listen to their needs and offer whatever support you can. This might involve helping with funeral arrangements, providing financial assistance, or simply offering a listening ear.
Inform your employer: Let your employer know about your situation. Explain the circumstances and inquire about bereavement leave or other forms of support. Many employers understand the challenges OFWs face and are willing to be flexible.
Consider your finances: Funerals can be expensive. Discuss with your family about the cost and see if you can contribute financially. Western Union and other remittance services provide options for sending money quickly and safely.
Explore travel options: If possible and if it feels right for you, consider traveling home for the funeral or memorial service. Be mindful of travel restrictions, quarantine protocols, and the emotional toll of traveling during this difficult time. Also, keep in mind about the cost.
Arrange practical matters: Take care of important paperwork, such as updating insurance policies or bank accounts. Contact a lawyer if necessary to ensure legal matters are handled smoothly.
Coping Strategies for OFWs Grieving From Afar
Here are some strategies that specifically address the challenges OFWs face when grieving:
Create a virtual memorial: Since you can’t be physically present, find ways to participate virtually. Set up a video call with your family during the wake or funeral. Light a candle in your loved one’s memory. Share photos and memories online. These actions, though virtual, can create a sense of connection and remembrance.
Connect with other OFWs: Talking to other OFWs who have experienced similar losses can be incredibly helpful. Share your feelings, listen to their stories, and offer each other support. Online forums and social media groups for OFWs are a great place to connect.
Seek professional help: Don’t hesitate to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in grief and loss. Many online therapy platforms offer services in different languages and are accessible from anywhere in the world. You can also look for resources specifically aimed at OFWs.
Establish a grief ritual: Create a personal ritual to honor your loved one. This could involve writing letters, visiting a place that reminds you of them, or listening to their favorite music. Regular ritual can provide comfort and a sense of continuity.
Take care of your physical health: Grief can take a heavy toll on your physical health. Make sure you’re eating healthy, getting enough sleep, and exercising regularly. Avoid using alcohol or drugs to cope with your grief.
Find meaningful ways to contribute: Even from afar, you can find ways to contribute to your family and community back home. Offer to help with errands, provide emotional support, or send care packages. Doing something positive can help you feel more connected and less helpless.
Allow yourself to feel joy, eventually: Healing from grief doesn’t mean forgetting your loved one. Allow yourself to experience positive emotions again. Remember that feeling joy is not a betrayal of your loss, but rather a testament to the love you shared.
Addressing Feelings of Guilt and Regret
One of the biggest challenges for OFWs grieving from afar is dealing with feelings of guilt and regret. You might feel guilty for not being there, for not spending enough time with your loved one, or for not saying goodbye properly. These feelings are common, but it’s important to address them in a healthy way.
Here are some ways to do that:
Acknowledge your emotions: Don’t try to suppress your guilt. Recognize that these feelings are a normal part of the grieving process.
Challenge your negative thoughts: Ask yourself if your guilt is based on reality. Remind yourself that you made the decision to work abroad for the benefit of your family. You were doing your best to provide for them.
Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with the same compassion and understanding that you would offer to a friend who is grieving.
Focus on what you did do: Instead of dwelling on what you didn’t do, focus on the positive things you did for your loved one. Remember the love you shared, the support you provided, and the memories you created together.
Find ways to make amends: If possible, find ways to make amends for any perceived shortcomings. This could involve helping your family in other ways, volunteering in your loved one’s memory, or simply living your life in a way that honors their values.
Supporting Family Members Grieving Back Home
As an OFW, you play a crucial role in supporting your family members who are grieving back home. Your emotional support, practical assistance, and financial contributions can make a big difference.
Here are some ways to support your family:
Listen without judgment: Let your family members express their feelings without interruption or criticism. Be a patient and empathetic listener.
Offer reassurance: Let your family members know that you’re there for them. Reassure them that they’re not alone and that you’ll get through this together.
Help with practical tasks: Offer to help with errands, childcare, or other practical tasks. Even if you’re far away, you can arrange for assistance through relatives, friends, or paid help. Talk to them about what they need your help with, even if they say they do not need it.
Encourage self-care: Remind your family members to take care of themselves. Encourage them to eat healthy, get enough sleep, and exercise regularly. Create tasks that they can do to take care of themselves.
Stay connected: Make an effort to stay connected with your family members. Call, text, or video chat regularly. Let them know you’re thinking of them and that you care.
Respect their grieving process: Remember that everyone grieves differently. Respect your family members’ individual needs and preferences. Don’t try to impose your own grieving process on them.
Leveraging Technology for Connection and Support
In the age of technology, OFWs have access to a wide range of tools that can help them stay connected and supported during times of grief. Utilize these tools to bridge the distance and maintain meaningful connections with your family and community.
Video conferencing: Video conferencing platforms like Zoom, Skype, and Viber allow you to have face-to-face conversations with your family members, even from afar. This can be particularly helpful for attending virtual wakes, funerals, or memorial services.
Social media: Social media platforms like Facebook and Instagram can be used to share memories, offer condolences, and connect with other OFWs who are grieving. Join online groups for OFWs to find support and share experiences.
Messaging apps: Messaging apps like WhatsApp and Messenger allow you to send quick messages, photos, and videos to your family members. This can be a convenient way to stay in touch and offer daily support.
Online therapy: Online therapy platforms offer access to licensed therapists and counselors who can provide individual or group therapy sessions through video conferencing or messaging.
Virtual memorial websites: Virtual memorial websites allow you to create a dedicated space to honor your loved one. You can share photos, videos, and stories, and invite others to contribute their memories.
Building Resilience and Moving Forward
Grief is a challenging experience, but it’s also an opportunity for growth and resilience. As an OFW, you’ve already demonstrated strength and resilience by leaving your home country to work abroad. You can draw on these qualities to navigate the grieving process and emerge stronger on the other side.
Here are some tips for building resilience and moving forward:
Focus on the present: Instead of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, focus on the present moment. Practice mindfulness and savor the small joys of life.
Set realistic goals: Don’t try to do too much too soon. Set realistic goals for yourself and celebrate your progress along the way.
Practice gratitude: Take time each day to appreciate the good things in your life. This can help you stay positive and grounded during difficult times.
Engage in activities you enjoy: Make time for hobbies and activities that bring you joy. This can help you reduce stress and boost your mood.
Connect with others: Spend time with friends and family who support you. Social connection is essential for emotional well-being.
Be patient with yourself: Healing from grief takes time. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to grieve at your own pace.
Recognizing Signs You Need Professional Help
While grief is a normal and natural response to loss, there are times when professional help is needed. If you’re experiencing any of the following signs, it’s important to seek help from a therapist or counselor:
Prolonged or intense grief that interferes with your daily life
Difficulty functioning at work or school
Social withdrawal or isolation
Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness
Suicidal thoughts or behaviors
Substance abuse
Physical symptoms such as fatigue, headaches, or stomach problems
Remember, seeking professional help is a sign of strength, not weakness. A therapist or counselor can provide you with the tools and support you need to navigate the grieving process and heal.
FAQ: Common Questions OFWs Have About Dealing with Grief
Q: Is it normal to feel guilty for not being there when my loved one passed away?
Yes, it is very normal. Many OFWs experience guilt related to distance. Recognize these feelings without judgment and focus on the steps you are taking to make up for it.
Q: How can I participate in the funeral if I can’t travel home?
Utilize video conferencing to attend virtually. Share photos and memories online, coordinate with the immediate family to send flowers and have them delivered.
Q: What if my employer won’t give me time off to grieve?
Talk to your employer and explain your situation. Some employers might not understand and some might be sympathetic. If that is the case, seek employment advise.
Q: How can I support my family back home financially?
Use reputable money transfer services like Western Union or Remitly. Discuss needs with them first.
Q: Are there support groups for grieving OFWs?
You can search online forums and groups for OFWs, specifically those focused on grief.
Q: How long will it take to feel better?
Grief has no timeline. Be patient, focus on self-care, and seek help when you need it.
References
Kubler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. New York: Macmillan.
Worden, J. W. (2018). Grief counseling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner. Springer Publishing Company.
National Center for Victims of Crime. (n.d.). Coping with Grief After Trauma
Mayo Clinic. (2024). Grief
It won’t be easy, but take the first step: Reach out to your family, connect with other OFWs, or seek professional help if you need it. You are not alone, and together, we can find the strength to heal.
