Many Overseas Filipino Workers (OFWs) dream of the day they’ll finally come home and reunite with their children. Sadly, sometimes this reunion doesn’t go as planned. Sometimes, after years of separation, the children, now grown, don’t want to live with their parents. This can be heartbreaking for OFWs who made huge sacrifices for their families. Let’s explore why this happens and what can be done.
The Painful Reality of Distance
Imagine being away from your family for years, missing birthdays, graduations, and just ordinary family dinners. OFWs do this for their kids, hoping to give them better opportunities. But absence, as the saying goes, can make the heart grow fonder… or simply grow apart. Children raised by relatives, or even just one parent, develop their own routines, habits, and often, a strong sense of independence. They get used to a certain way of life, and the idea of suddenly changing that to accommodate the returning parent can be daunting.
Building New Families, Even Without You
This isn’t about blaming anyone. Children adapt. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, or even older siblings often step in to fill the void left by the OFW parent. They become the primary caregivers, the ones the children turn to for advice and support. Over time, a new “family unit” is formed, a system that works, albeit with a missing piece. Introducing the OFW parent back into this system disrupts the established order. The child might feel loyal to their caregivers, hesitant to abandon them for a parent they barely know. Think of it like this: a plant has grown strong with the support of a trellis. Suddenly removing the trellis, even if you’re the one who planted the seed, can cause the plant to struggle.
The “Stranger” Effect
Let’s be honest, after years apart, you’re not the same person, and neither are your children. You’ve changed, shaped by your experiences abroad, and they’ve grown from little kids into teenagers or young adults. They might see you as a stranger, someone who sends money but isn’t really part of their daily lives. This can create a barrier, a feeling of distance that’s hard to overcome. You might not know their friends, their favorite music, or even their struggles at school. They might feel awkward or uncomfortable sharing their lives with someone they don’t truly know. Consider this example: An OFW mother worked in Saudi Arabia for 10 years. When she returned, her youngest child, who was 5 when she left, was now 15. The teenager saw her more as a provider than a mother, struggling to connect on an emotional level. The feeling of being a stranger in your own child’s life is a common, and painful, experience for many OFWs.
Money Matters: The Expectations and Resentments
Money is a critical part of the OFW story. It’s the reason they leave their families in the first place. However, money can also complicate things. Children might see their OFW parent primarily as a source of income, associating them with financial support rather than emotional connection. This can lead to resentment on both sides. The OFW parent might feel used or unappreciated, while the child might feel entitled to the money, believing it’s the least the parent can do after being absent for so long. Furthermore, if the money wasn’t managed wisely, this can create tension. Imagine a scenario where the OFW parent sent money regularly, but it wasn’t used for the intended purposes (education, better living conditions). When the parent returns and realizes this, it can lead to conflict and further distance the child.
The Power of Communication (Or Lack Thereof)
Regular communication is vital, but it’s not always easy, especially in the past with limited technology. Now, with readily available access to the internet through platforms like Zoom, Messenger, and Viber, maintaining contact is easier than ever. But simply talking isn’t enough; it’s about truly connecting. Surface-level conversations about school and chores are okay, but you need to delve deeper. Ask about their dreams, their fears, their relationships. Share your own experiences, your struggles, and your hopes for the future. This requires effort and vulnerability from both sides. It means prioritizing video calls, even when you’re tired after a long day at work. It means actively listening and showing genuine interest in their lives. A lack of communication fosters misunderstandings and allows resentments to fester, making it even harder to bridge the gap when you finally come home.
The Independence Factor: “I Can Handle It Myself”
Children who grow up with a parent working abroad often develop a strong sense of independence. They had to learn to be self-reliant, to solve problems on their own, and to take on responsibilities that children their age normally wouldn’t have. This independence, while admirable, can also make them resistant to the idea of living with their returning parent. They might feel like they don’t need you, that they’ve already figured things out on their own. They might value their privacy and their freedom, and worry that living with you will disrupt their established routines and autonomy. This is especially true for older children who are already living on their own or attending college. It’s crucial to respect this independence and avoid trying to control or micromanage their lives when you return. Instead, focus on building a relationship based on mutual respect and understanding.
Unrealistic Expectations On Both Sides
OFWs often have idealized visions of what their homecoming will be like. They picture a joyful reunion, a loving embrace, and a seamless transition back into family life. Children, too, may have expectations, perhaps imagining their returning parent will shower them with gifts or solve all their problems. Often, the reality falls short of these expectations, leaving everyone disappointed. The OFW parent might be exhausted, stressed, or even traumatized by their experiences abroad. The children might be grappling with their own issues, feeling overwhelmed by the sudden presence of a “new” parent. It’s important to manage expectations realistically, understanding that rebuilding a relationship takes time, patience, and a willingness to compromise. Prepare for some changes, and be very welcoming to each other. A research study conducted by the Scalabrini Migration Center found that unrealistic expectations were a major contributing factor to difficulties in family reintegration for OFWs. Scalabrini Migration Center
Guilt: The Silent Relationship Killer
Both the OFW parent and the children might experience guilt. The parent might feel guilty for being absent for so long, for missing important milestones, and for putting their family through the stress of separation. The children might feel guilty for not appreciating their parent’s sacrifices, for not communicating more often, or for feeling resentful towards them. This guilt can create a wall between them, preventing them from truly connecting and addressing the underlying issues. It’s crucial to acknowledge these feelings, to talk about them openly and honestly, and to forgive each other for past mistakes. Remember, everyone was doing the best they could with the resources they had at the time. Acceptance of this is very important. If everyone embraces their shared history, it can be addressed and ultimately, forgiven.
Trauma: Overlooked, But Always There
While not always obvious, trauma can play a significant role. The OFW parent might have experienced abuse, exploitation, or discrimination abroad. The children might have suffered from feelings of abandonment, loneliness, or financial insecurity. These experiences can leave lasting scars and affect their ability to form healthy relationships. These can lead to PTSD. It’s important to be sensitive to these potential traumas and to seek professional help if necessary. A therapist can provide a safe space to process these emotions and develop coping mechanisms. Healing the wounds of the past is essential for building a stronger, healthier future. While it is often thought that trauma only affects soldiers in war, that is often not the case, and anyone can suffer. To learn more about PTSD, consult the resources provided by U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs
The Role of the Caregiver
The person who stepped up to care for the child while the OFW was away plays a big role. Often, this is a grandparent, aunt, or uncle, but it could also be an older sibling. It’s important to acknowledge their contributions and to show them respect. Jealousy or resentment from the arriving OFW parent can be detrimental. Open communication and setting clear boundaries are key. The returning OFW and caregiver need to collaborate, acknowledging the existing routines while also creating space for the OFW to bond with the child. This requires both parties to be flexible and willing to compromise. Remember, the caregiver likely has the child’s best interests at heart, and their insights can be invaluable.
Building (Or Rebuilding) Trust
Trust is the foundation of any strong relationship, and it’s something that needs to be earned, not demanded. After years of separation, trust might be damaged or nonexistent. It takes time and effort to rebuild it. Be reliable, keep your promises, and be honest with your children. Show them that you’re there for them, not just financially, but emotionally as well. Be patient and understanding, and don’t expect them to trust you overnight. Avoid making assumptions or jumping to conclusions. Listen to their concerns and validate their feelings. Small gestures of kindness and support can go a long way in rebuilding trust and strengthening your bond. This isn’t about grand gestures, but the simple, everyday acts of love and consideration. It’s about showing them that you care and that you’re committed to being a part of their lives.
Tips for a Smoother Transition
So, what can OFWs do to increase the chances of a successful reunion with their children? Here are some actionable tips:
- Start communicating regularly long before you come home. Use video calls to connect face-to-face and show genuine interest in their lives.
- Manage expectations. Don’t expect everything to be perfect right away. Rebuilding a relationship takes time and effort.
- Acknowledge the contributions of the caregivers who stepped in during your absence. Show them respect and work together to create a supportive environment for your children.
- Be patient and understanding. Your children might have mixed emotions about your return. Listen to their concerns and validate their feelings.
- Focus on building a relationship based on mutual respect and understanding. Avoid trying to control or micromanage their lives.
- Be reliable and keep your promises. Show your children that you’re there for them, not just financially, but emotionally as well.
- Seek professional help if needed. A therapist can provide a safe space to process emotions and develop coping mechanisms.
- Plan activities together. Go out for family dinners, watch movies, or play games. Create opportunities for bonding and connection.
- Respect their independence. Give them space and freedom to pursue their own interests and goals.
- Be open to change. Your family dynamics will likely be different than before you left. Be willing to adapt and compromise.
The Importance of Professional Help
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, rebuilding a relationship after years of separation can be incredibly challenging. That’s when seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor can be beneficial. A therapist can provide a neutral and objective perspective, helping you and your children understand each other’s feelings and develop healthy communication strategies. They can also help you process any underlying trauma or unresolved issues that might be affecting your relationship. Don’t view therapy as a sign of weakness, but rather as a sign of strength and a commitment to building a stronger, healthier family. There are many organizations that offer affordable or even free counseling services to OFWs and their families. Some examples include church groups, community centers and public health services. Reaching out for help is a sign of courage, not weakness.
Long Distance Parenting: Keep Your Child Connected
While working overseas, it’s critical to proactively nurture the relationships with children. Start consistent communication from Day 1 of your work. It is better to start strong and gradually mellow down, instead of attempting to build from scratch 5 years into the job. Discuss the routines and culture of your children’s daily life, and find ways to be involved. Read bedtime stories for younger children. Stay connected through social media with older kids. Plan virtual games or watch movies online together. Send care packages with items that reflect your love and care. Support their hobbies and encourage them to try new things. Even though you are far away physically, you can still be part of your child’s special moments. The goal is to be part of each other’s life as much as possible regardless of physical proximity. With careful planning, patience and consistency, you can create special memories and forge a strong bond that will last a lifetime.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Why is it so hard to reconnect with my child after being away for so long?
Years of separation create emotional distance. Children adapt to a new “normal” without you, and you might feel like a stranger to them. You’ve both changed, and you need to rebuild trust and understanding.
What if my child blames me for leaving?
Acknowledge their feelings and validate their experiences. Explain your reasons for leaving while also acknowledging the pain it caused. Be patient and understanding, and give them time to process their emotions.
How can I help my child adjust to me being home?
Be patient and understanding. Don’t try to force a relationship. Focus on building trust and connection through small gestures and shared activities. Respect their independence and avoid trying to control their lives.
What if my child prefers living with their caregiver?
Acknowledge the caregiver’s role in your child’s life and show them respect. Don’t try to compete with them. Instead, focus on building your own unique relationship with your child.
Should I give my child everything they want to make up for lost time?
No. While it’s natural to want to spoil your child, it’s important to set boundaries and teach them the value of hard work. Material possessions cannot replace genuine love and connection.
Where can I find support for OFWs and their families?
Many organizations offer counseling, support groups, and financial assistance to OFWs and their families. Check with your local labor office, church, or community center for resources.
References:
- Scalabrini Migration Center
- U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs
Don’t let distance define your relationship with your children. It takes effort, patience, and understanding, but building a loving and supportive family is possible. A successful reunion requires clear communication, professional guidance, and long-distance parenting. Take action today and begin a journey to a better life. Start simple with video calls, share your experiences and feelings with genuineness, and plan your homecoming smartly. Contact your local counseling services if your trauma or that of your children hinders the recovery. You can do this.
