Feelings of resentment are, unfortunately, a reality for some children of Overseas Filipino Workers (OFWs). While the sacrifices OFWs make are often for the betterment of their families, the long absences and complex family dynamics can sometimes lead to negative emotions in their children. It’s not always a simple case of blame; understanding the root causes is key to addressing the issue and strengthening family bonds.
The Absence: More Than Just Being Away
Let’s face it: having a parent work far away is tough on any kid. It’s not just about missing birthdays or holidays; it’s about the everyday moments. Imagine a child falling and scraping their knee, longing for their mom or dad to be there to give them a hug. Or a student struggling with a difficult school project, wishing they could get help from their parent but feeling that connection is distant. These seemingly small moments add up. The feeling of abandonment, even unintentional, can creep in. It creates a void, and sometimes, resentment fills that void. Think about how hard it is to reach out to someone far away when you are only a child and barely know how to use a keyboard or a phone.
For younger children, the understanding of why a parent is away might be hazy. They simply perceive the absence as a choice, and that misinterpretation can breed resentment because it is hard to grasp the concept of working away from home to provide when they can’t understand the nature of providing. As they grow older, they might better comprehend the economic reasons, but the initial feelings of abandonment can linger. The gap between intellectual understanding and emotional acceptance is challenging to bridge.
The effects of parental absence are well documented. Studies, such as those featured in the Journal of Marriage and Family, suggest that children of absent parents may experience increased behavioral problems, lower academic performance, and emotional difficulties. While correlation doesn’t equal causation, the connection is undeniable, particularly when combined with other contributing factors specific to the OFW experience.
The Burden on the Remaining Parent
When one parent is away, the other parent at home, usually the mother, often carries the full weight of parenting. This includes managing the household, disciplining the children, attending school events, and providing emotional support. The sheer exhaustion and stress of this arrangement can create a trickle-down effect.
Let’s say a mom is working two jobs while also trying to raise three kids. She might be irritable, short-tempered, and simply too tired to give each child the individual attention they need. Children, especially teenagers, might see this as unfair treatment or a sign that their needs are unimportant. They might ask why they cannot get that toy or new clothes and it feels worse when, on TV, advertisements showcase a great life they don’t have. The resentment might not be directed at the absent parent specifically, but at the overall situation that puts so much pressure on their mother.
Sometimes, the remaining parent, overwhelmed by their responsibilities and possibly feeling resentful themselves, might inadvertently project those feelings onto the children. For instance, a parent might constantly remind their children about the sacrifices their OFW parent is making, creating a sense of guilt and obligation rather than genuine appreciation. They may say things like “Your father is working his fingers to the bone in Saudi Arabia so you can go to a good school,” which, though true, can create pressure and resentment.
The remaining parent might be struggling with their own loneliness and isolation, longing for the emotional support and companionship of their partner. This could manifest as emotional unavailability for their children, further exacerbating feelings of neglect and resentment. The children will then grow up seeing that it’s not fair, but they can’t do anything about it.
The “Spoiled OFW Kid” Stereotype (And Why It’s Harmful)
There’s a common stereotype of the “spoiled OFW kid” – the one who receives lots of material possessions but lacks parental guidance and emotional connection. While this certainly isn’t true for all children of OFWs, it highlights a potential problem: the attempt to compensate for absence with material gifts.
Imagine a child whose father sends home new gadgets or expensive clothes every month. On the surface, it seems like a generous gesture of love. However, if that’s the only form of communication and connection, it can backfire. The child might feel that they are being “bought off” or that their emotional needs are being ignored. Material possessions can’t replace a parent’s presence, guidance, or emotional support.
This reliance on material gifts can also create unrealistic expectations. The child might grow accustomed to receiving expensive items and develop a sense of entitlement. When financial difficulties arise or the OFW parent returns home, the child might struggle to adjust to a different lifestyle, leading to increased frustration and resentment. Also, the pressure can result in a child doing anything to get the gifts that they think define their worth.
Furthermore, the “spoiled OFW kid” stereotype can also create social problems for the children. Peers can label them and see them as privileged, so they may isolate themselves more because of the perception. This isolation, combined with the existing feelings of parental absence, makes OFW kids susceptible to depression or mental health problems, as suggested by research from UNICEF Philippines.
Poor Communication: The Breeding Ground for Misunderstandings
Effective communication bridges distances, but poor communication can widen the gap. When parents are working abroad, communication challenges are amplified due to time differences, language barriers, and limited access to technology.
Imagine a teenager who’s struggling with bullying at school but hesitates to share it with their OFW parent because they don’t want to worry them or because they find it difficult to articulate their feelings over a patchy internet connection. The silence can then cause the distance between them to grow even wider. The lack of communication can manifest as indifference in the eyes of the children.
Even when communication does occur, it can often be superficial. Parents might ask about grades and chores but fail to delve into their children’s emotional well-being or personal struggles. This lack of meaningful connection can make the children feel invisible and unheard, therefore building resentment.
The use of social media and messaging apps can sometimes create a false sense of connection. A quick “How are you?” text is not the same as a heartfelt conversation. Parents might assume they are staying connected because they are sending messages, but their children might perceive these interactions as perfunctory and impersonal. This type of impersonal communication can leave the child unfulfilled, therefore building resentment overtime.
Changes in Family Dynamics Upon Return
The return of an OFW parent is often portrayed as a joyous reunion, but the reality can be more complex. After years of living separately, adjusting to each other’s presence can be challenging for all family members. Parents may have changed their habits while children have grown in maturity; it will take some time to come to terms with these changes.
Imagine a father who has worked abroad for ten years, returning home to find his children are now teenagers with their own established routines and opinions. He might struggle to reassert his authority or connect with them on a personal level. The children, in turn, might resent his attempts to control or criticize them after years of independence.
Financial changes can also create tension. If the OFW parent returns home due to health issues or job loss, the family might experience a significant decrease in income. This can lead to stress and resentment within the family, particularly if the children have become accustomed to a certain lifestyle.
Sometimes, the OFW parent might bring unrealistic expectations home with them. They might expect their children to be grateful and obedient, failing to recognize the sacrifices they have made and the challenges they have faced during their absence. This can lead to disappointment and conflict, further fueling resentment. Adjustments will have to be made both on the parent’s and children’s side.
Jealousy and Sibling Rivalry
In some cases, resentment among OFW children can stem from jealousy and sibling rivalry. Parents might unintentionally show favoritism towards one child, either through material gifts or emotional attention. This difference in treatment can breed resentment in the other siblings.
For example, an OFW parent might prioritize sending money for one child’s education while neglecting the other child’s interests or needs. Or they might be more emotionally supportive of the child who is excelling academically while dismissing the concerns of the child who is struggling.
Sibling rivalry is a common phenomenon, but it can be heightened in OFW families with the absence of the other parent to mediate. Children might compete for the absent parent’s attention and affection, leading to increased stress and resentment.
Sometimes, the child left in charge might come to resent their siblings who are not contributing enough to the home. This is particularly bad if that child is still young themselves. The absence of a parent to intervene will lead them to handle it on their own, usually through punishment or isolation. The parent who comes home is usually unaware of the true reason for the resentment to form.
What Can Be Done? Practical Advice for OFWs and Their Families
Addressing feelings of resentment in OFW children requires a proactive and empathetic approach from both parents. Here are some practical tips:
Prioritize Open and Honest Communication: Make an effort to schedule regular video calls or phone calls with your children. Ask them about their day, their worries, and their dreams. Truly listen to what they have to say without judgment or interruption. Remember, communication is a two-way street. Share your own experiences and struggles with them, but do not overburden them with negativity.
Be Present, Even When Apart: Find ways to be involved in your children’s lives from afar. Attend school events virtually, help them with their homework over video call, or send handwritten letters or care packages. These small gestures can make a big difference in helping them feel connected to you, and not just the money that you send.
Focus on Quality Time, Not Just Material Gifts: Avoid compensating for your absence with excessive material possessions. Instead, plan meaningful activities together when you are home. Go on trips, play games, or simply spend time talking and laughing. Create lasting memories that will strengthen your bond.
Support the Remaining Parent: Acknowledge the burden on the parent who is at home and offer your support. This could include sending extra money for childcare or household help, taking over some responsibilities when you are home, or simply offering emotional support and encouragement.
Seek Professional Help if Needed: If you are struggling to address feelings of resentment on your own, consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance and support to both parents and children. This is particularly important if children are showing signs of depression, anxiety, or other mental health problems. There are many free and low-cost mental health resources available online and in communities. Check with your local social services or school.
Remember that addressing feelings of resentment is an ongoing process. It requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to listen and learn from each other. By prioritizing communication, connection, and emotional support, OFW families can overcome the challenges of distance and strengthen their bonds.
FAQ Section
Why do some OFW kids resent their parents more than others?
The level of resentment varies greatly depending on individual personalities, family dynamics, and coping mechanisms. Some children might be more resilient than others and better able to understand and accept their parent’s absence. Other factors include the quality of communication, the support provided by the remaining parent, and the child’s overall emotional well-being.
Is it always wrong to send material gifts?
Not necessarily. Material gifts can be a thoughtful way to show love and appreciation, but they should not be used as a substitute for genuine emotional connection. Gifts should be given with intention and meaning, not as a way to “buy off” a child’s emotions or compensate for absence. Focus on quality time and meaningful connection, and then material gifts will feel more special.
How can I tell if my child is resentful?
Signs of resentment can vary, but some common indicators include: increased irritability, frequent arguments, withdrawal from family activities, declining grades, changes in behavior, and negative comments about the OFW parent. Pay attention to these warning signs and address them promptly.
What if I, as the OFW parent, am feeling resentful towards my children?
It’s important to acknowledge and address your own feelings. Being an OFW is incredibly stressful, and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed or resentful sometimes. Talk to your spouse, a therapist, or a trusted friend about your feelings. Remember, you can’t effectively support your children if you’re not taking care of your own emotional well-being.
My child blames me for everything because I’m an OFW. What can I do?
Stay calm and listen to their concerns to validate their feelings. Acknowledge their hurt without becoming defensive – try saying something like, “I understand you are feeling alone”. Explain the reasons for your choices and emphasize that your actions stem from the desire to contribute to their well-being. Be open to finding solutions together and dedicate uninterrupted time for quality moments with your child whenever possible. A professional counselor could provide impartial support.
References
Journal of Marriage and Family
UNICEF Philippines
National Institutes of Health
OFW Family Club
You might be anxious or discouraged if a child has resentment towards you as a parent, but that doesn’t mean you lack the capability to do better. The first step is identifying the possible reasons for their negative feelings. As a parent, find the strength to be open to communicating about these negative feelings and assure them that you will find better ways to handle things. Rebuilding a damaged relationship may not be easy, but with dedication, communication, and maybe a counselor, rest assure that your relationship will be stronger than ever before.
