It’s heartbreaking when you come home after years of working abroad as an Overseas Filipino Worker (OFW) and your child seems distant, even resentful. You sacrificed so much to provide for them, but instead of a warm welcome, you’re met with coldness. This article is about understanding why this happens and, more importantly, what you can do to rebuild that relationship.
Understanding the Resentment: It’s Not Always About You
The first thing to understand is that your child’s resentment isn’t necessarily a personal attack. It’s often a complex mix of emotions stemming from their experiences while you were away. Children may struggle to articulate these emotions, but they’re definitely present. Here are a few key factors contributing to resentment:
The Absence Factor: Filling the Void
Think about it: you were a constant presence in their lives until you suddenly weren’t. Even with video calls, you missed birthdays, school plays, and everyday moments. This absence creates a void. While relatives or caregivers may have stepped in, they’re not you. Your child might resent the fact that you weren’t there for important milestones. They might also feel like they missed out on having your unique presence and guidance—things no one else could provide.
Imagine a young girl whose dad, an OFW seaman, missed her grade school graduation. Her aunt attended in his place, but she remembers feeling a pang of sadness seeing other fathers proudly taking pictures with their daughters. That feeling of absence can turn into resentment as she gets older, even if she understands why he wasn’t there. According to IOM Philippines, the emotional and social impact of migration on left-behind children can be significant and long-lasting.
The Caregiver Dynamic: Shifting Roles and Expectations
When you’re away, someone else takes on your parental role. This could be a grandparent, aunt, older sibling, or even a hired caregiver. The child forms a bond with this caregiver, and they get used to their rules and routines. When you come home, you’re suddenly trying to re-establish your authority, which can be jarring and upsetting for the child. They might resist your rules because they’re used to doing things differently. This isn’t necessarily disrespect; it’s a disruption of their established reality.
For example, a teenage boy might resent his mother coming home after his grandmother raised him for 10 years. He’s used to his grandmother’s laid-back approach, giving him more freedom. His mother, wanting to reassert her parental role, sets strict curfews and monitors his phone. This clash of parenting styles can create friction and resentment.
Unrealistic Expectations: The “Perfect Parent” Myth
Children often build up an idealized image of you while you’re away. They might think that when you finally come home, everything will be perfect. The reality is often very different. You’re tired, adjusting to a new environment, and maybe even struggling with your own emotions related to being away for so long. When you don’t immediately meet their expectations, they can feel disappointed and resentful.
Consider a child who dreams of having a brand-new gadget as soon as their OFW parent arrives. When the parent explains that they need to use the money for more pressing needs like household repairs, the child might feel let down. They associate the parent’s return with instant gratification, and when that doesn’t happen, resentment can bubble up.
The Guilt Trip: Avoiding the Burden
Sometimes, well-meaning family members unintentionally put pressure on the child to be eternally grateful to the OFW parent. Comments like “Your mom is sacrificing everything for you, so you better be good” can backfire. Children may feel guilty for wanting more or for feeling anything other than pure gratitude. This guilt can manifest as resentment, as they try to push away the pressure of being constantly indebted.
Imagine a young girl constantly reminded by her relatives how her mother is working tirelessly overseas to pay for her education. She feels immense pressure to excel in school, but she’s also struggling with loneliness. When she gets a less-than-perfect grade, she feels overwhelmed with guilt and resentment towards the situation as a whole, even though she loves her mother.
Rebuilding Bridges: Practical Steps to Take
Fortunately, rebuilding your relationship with your child is possible. It requires patience, understanding, and a genuine effort to connect with them on their terms. Here are some actionable steps you can take:
Active Listening: Hear Them Out Without Judgment
The most important thing you can do is listen. Really listen. Create a safe space for your child to express their feelings, even if those feelings are negative. Don’t interrupt, don’t get defensive, and don’t immediately try to offer solutions. Simply let them talk and acknowledge their emotions. Use phrases like “I hear you” or “That sounds really difficult.” Showing empathy is key to building trust.
For example, if your teenager says, “I feel like you don’t even know me anymore,” resist the urge to say, “Of course I do! I’m your parent!” Instead, say something like, “I understand why you might feel that way. I’ve missed a lot. Tell me more about what’s been going on in your life.” You can also ask direct questions like “What things did you miss about me while I was gone?”.
Quality Time: Prioritize Meaningful Interactions
Don’t just be physically present; be emotionally present. Schedule dedicated time to spend with your child, doing activities they enjoy. This could be anything from watching a movie together to playing video games to going for a walk. The goal is to create positive experiences and build new memories. Put away your phone, focus on the activity, and truly engage with them.
Instead of just saying “Let’s spend time together,” ask your child what they’d like to do. If they’re interested in basketball, join them for a game at the local court. If they enjoy cooking, offer to help them prepare a meal. Letting them choose shows that you value their interests. According to a study by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, children who spend quality time with their parents are more likely to have higher self-esteem and better academic performance.
Empathy and Validation: Acknowledge Their Feelings
Validate your child’s feelings, even if you don’t fully understand them. Let them know that it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or resentful. Avoid dismissing their emotions or telling them to “get over it.” Instead, acknowledge their perspective and show that you understand their pain.
For instance, if your child is upset that you missed their birthday party, don’t say, “It’s just a birthday party.” Instead, say, “I’m so sorry I missed your birthday. I know how important it was to you, and I feel terrible that I couldn’t be there. I promise to make it up to you.” Apologizing and taking ownership of your absence can go a long way.
Small Gestures: Show You Care in Simple Ways
Small acts of kindness can have a big impact. Leave them a handwritten note, make their favorite meal, or offer to help them with a task. Listen to their musical tunes to learn how they feel. These gestures show that you’re thinking of them and that you care about their well-being. It will show them that you are willing to involve yourself in their day-to-day life.
If your child is stressed about an upcoming exam, offer to quiz them or bring them a snack. A simple “Good luck on your test!” can make a difference. If its summer, buy them their favorite ice cream and spend time together on your patio—small consistent steps lead to gradual healing.
Consistency and Patience: Don’t Expect Overnight Miracles
Rebuilding a relationship takes time and effort. Don’t get discouraged if you don’t see results immediately. Be consistent in your efforts, and be patient with your child. It may take months, or even years, to fully rebuild their trust and affection. Remember why you left in the first place—it was for their benefit. You’re now reaping the rewards and showing them the long-term benefits of those sacrifices.
There will be ups and downs. Some days will be easier than others. The key is to stay committed to the process and to never give up on your child. The Pew Research Center offers insights into family dynamics; the understanding that families evolve is critical because yours has evolved greatly during your time away.
Teamwork with Caregivers: Work Together with the People Who Helped
Before you go changing things around, it’s a great idea to sit down with the people who took care of your child while you were away. Talk to grandparents, siblings, or anyone else who stepped in to help. Find out what routines they had and how they handled things. This isn’t about blaming anyone; it’s about getting everyone on the same page. Working together shows your child that you respect the people who were there for them and makes the transition smoother.
Have regular meetings. By opening these lines of communication, you set the stage for a supportive dynamic, where everyone’s input is valued, and adjustments can be made collaboratively, ensuring the child’s well-being remains the top priority, even as parenting roles shift and evolve.
Create New Family Traditions: Building Something Together
Starting new family traditions will help build positive memories and make everyone feels closer. It could be something simple like a game night, a weekly pizza night, or a special holiday tradition. Creating these shared experiences will make your family stronger and give your child something to look forward to.
Sit down together and talk about what kind of traditions you want to start. Let your child has some input – it makes them feel more invested and excited about it. Whether it’s going to see a Christmas light show every year or planting a garden together in the spring, finding something that everyone enjoys will help create a stronger bond.
Seek Professional Help if Needed: There’s No Shame in Asking
If you’re struggling to rebuild your relationship on your own, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. A therapist can provide guidance and support for both you and your child. They can help you understand the underlying issues and develop strategies for communicating effectively and resolving conflict. According to the World Health Organization, mental health is an integral and essential component of health. Don’t shy away from seeking professional support.
Family therapy can be particularly helpful in addressing the complex dynamics that arise after a long period of separation. A therapist can facilitate open and honest communication and help you and your child develop a stronger, healthier relationship. Look for therapists who are experienced in working with families of OFWs. These professionals will understand the things you are faced with since they are experienced.
Addressing Specific Scenarios: Tailoring Your Approach
Every child is different, and the specific challenges you face will depend on their age, personality, and experiences. Let’s look at some common scenarios and how to approach them:
Teenagers: Navigating Independence and Rebellion
Teenagers are naturally rebellious and independent, which can make rebuilding a relationship even more challenging. They may be resistant to your authority, particularly if they’ve grown accustomed to making their own decisions while you were away. The key is to find a balance between setting boundaries and giving them space to be themselves.
Instead of trying to control every aspect of their lives, focus on building trust and communication. Talk to them about their interests, their friends, and their goals. Listen to their opinions, even if you disagree with them. Respect their independence, and give them opportunities to make their own choices. Showing you trust the will go along way in them trusting you and making them want to have you in their life.
Young Children: Dealing with Separation Anxiety
Younger children may experience separation anxiety when you first come home. They may cling to their caregiver, be afraid to leave your side, or have trouble sleeping. This is a normal reaction to a significant change in their lives. The key is to provide reassurance and support.
Spend plenty of time with your child, engaging in activities they enjoy. Offer lots of hugs and kisses. Talk to them about your experiences while you were away, and let them know how much you missed them. Gradually introduce them to activities and people you enjoy, showing them ways to get involved. Make sure they know you will be with them, but if you do have to leave, establish what time you will be back.
Adult Children: Adjusting Expectations and Redefining Roles
Even adult children can experience resentment after you come home. They may have built their lives without you and may struggle to redefine their roles in the family. The key is to adjust your expectations and treat them as adults.
Avoid trying to control their lives or telling them what to do. Instead, focus on building a friendship and offering support when they need it. Respect their independence and allow them to make their own decisions. Also, you should ask them what their expectations are for you to ensure you are both on the same page.
Maintaining Long-Term Connection: The Ongoing Effort
Rebuilding a relationship is a marathon, not a sprint. It requires ongoing effort and commitment. Here are some tips for maintaining a strong connection with your child over the long term:
Regular Communication: Stay in Touch Even When You’re Apart
Make an effort to stay in touch with your child, even when you’re not together. Call them, text them, or video chat with them regularly. Share your experiences, ask about their lives, and let them know you’re thinking of them. This will take effort, but the result will make it worth it. It’s essential to keep an open dialogue no matter the distance.
Show Interest in Their Lives: Get Involved in Their Activities
Attend their school events, sporting games, or other activities. Show an interest in their hobbies and passions. This demonstrates that you care about their lives and that you’re invested in their well-being. For instance, if your child is into computers or gaming, ask them that show you the new things they have learned.
Express Your Love and Appreciation: Tell Them How You Feel
Don’t assume that your child knows how much you love them. Tell them regularly, both verbally and through your actions. Express your appreciation for their efforts and accomplishments. Let them know how proud you are of them.
FAQ Section
Here are some frequently asked questions about rebuilding relationships with children after working abroad:
Why does my child seem angry with me even though I worked so hard for them?
Your child’s anger is likely a result of a complex mix of emotions related to your absence. They may feel resentment for missed milestones, disappointment for unmet expectations, or guilt for not feeling purely grateful. They might not be able to express these emotions clearly, leading to anger. It’s important to validate their feelings and understand their perspective.
What if my child refuses to talk to me?
If your child is unwilling to communicate, don’t give up. Start by creating opportunities for interaction without putting pressure on them to talk. Spend time in the same room, engaging in quiet activities like reading or watching TV. Offer to do something they enjoy, like playing a game or going for a walk. Eventually, they may start to open up. It may take time, be patient with the process. It’s recommended you reach out to a therapist for guidance and suggestions on how to handle these situations if necessary.
How do I deal with guilt about being away from my child for so long?
Guilt is a natural emotion in this situation. Acknowledge your feelings, but don’t let them consume you. Focus on the present and future. Concentrate on what you can do now to rebuild your relationship with your child. Seek support from other OFWs or a therapist to process your guilt and develop coping strategies. It is not an easy task to be an OFW, therefore it is understandable that you would feel guilt for not being present.
My child says they don’t need me anymore. What should I do?
Even if your child says they don’t need you, they still crave your love and attention. It’s a normal reaction growing up to want to be independent. They may be trying to push you away to protect themselves from further disappointment. Continue to show them that you care, even if they resist. Offer your support without being intrusive. Let them know that you’re there for them, no matter what.
How do I rebuild trust with my child after being absent for so long?
Rebuilding trust takes time and consistency. Be reliable and keep your promises. Be honest with your child, even when it’s difficult. Show them that you’re willing to listen to their concerns and validate their feelings. Building trust would take time! Be consistent with your efforts and don’t give up.
References
IOM Philippines, Effects of Migration on Children Left Behind,
National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, The Effects of Positive Parenting Practices
Pew Research Center, Family and Relationships
World Health Organization, Mental health: strengthening our response
Instead of feeling defeated, choose to rebuild. Take the first step today. Start with a heartfelt conversation. Plan a special activity. Show your child that you’re truly committed to being present in their life, not just physically, but emotionally. Don’t let another day go by with resentment lingering. Start rebuilding your relationship now, and rediscover the joy of connection with your child. They may be waiting, too.
